Some questions on BGR

bus SG

To Yunhaier:

Well, I have actually opened up my options 2 months back but still wihout any success at this moment of time.

There is a revival to this issue when I sent an SMS (a rose picture message) on Valentine Day and she responded and we started to chat again till that night when we have a small argument.

Thanks for analysing the characteristics of a Virgo Woman -- rather close to what U have listed down here. She basically cannot let go the past...I challenge her to this issue and she said I keep repeating this and she is unhappy about it. My intention is to advice her to move on but she is those stubborn type which she DENY she is holding the past. I got no choice as she can said whatever she likes but deep in her heart, we DO NOT KNOW what she is thinking about.

I also feel that she HAD NO FAITH/CONFIDENCE in GUYS. She also mention that she regret telling me of her past as I feel that she does not want me to know about her secret. She told me about her past because I feel that she is comfortable with me and want me to know about it.

Well, I will closely monitor the situation and see what follows next.
Any comments?

Yunhaier SG

Actually in this kind situation, its impossible for me to list all your 'battle' plan to get her to move on and at the same time, get her. It's a whole package and everything has to be considered - which I cannot explain in mere words.

Do not make it seemed as if you are trying to change her, she will resist your attempt. Go with the flow, influence and induce. Drop the I-know-your-past-and-I-am-here-to-tell-you-the-right-thing attitude towards her. You see, since you know her situations much better than other people, you should learn to work around it instead of lamenting that she should move on. Rolling Eyes

We all know that we have to move on from our failures in love. There would be 3 possibilities: The one that stayed back, the one that take break every now and then, and the one that moved on. But the tactics we employ is much more critical than simple words.

P.S: If previous method don't work, try something else. To tame the stubborn woman, you have to earn her respect and to do it is not to challenge her to make her see reality. This form of reality will gradually by shown from you and whether she is willingly to give it a shot - its really up to her. The more you push, the more she go against your force. Rolling Eyes

Cheers

bus SG

To Yunhaier:

Yes, U are right again. The more I told her to face the REALITY, the more she resists and throw temper at me.

To this: I feel that she is ESCAPING from REALITY.Something which she does not DARE to face and would want to live her life "escaping" from it. How sad it is.

As to whether she can give herself a chance....I agree with U, it DEPENDs on her and not me as I can only do THAT MUCH and it is up to her to think and decide.

Yes, I also need to think about myself as well....That's why I open up my choices 2 months in advance in search for another potential one but still keeping my fingers cross on this current one.

Any new comments?

Yunhaier SG

There is one thing about love and if you haven't realise by now, you ought to:

There are situations where we recongise what's the problem, but we never knew how to deal with them, therefore sometimes we stall. In the woman's preception, she will be sinking in this message "urgh, man don't understand woman at all.' But in fact, understanding doesn't mean you have to do anything and understand doesn't mean that you have to resort to 'usual logical' way of handling it. (What I mean by logical is via your common sense. When you got a burn, common sense will tell you to dip your finger into cold water for a moment, before wrapping it, or leaving it as it is. However, some seemingly stupid method like using a toothpaste as a cure works). Rolling Eyes

In the art of seduction - predictability is never the case if you want to succeed.

You can spare some time and effort in her and at the same time keeping your options open. Remember, as long as you ain't attached to her, you have your rights to do what you want with your love life, similiarly like her, if she doesn't want to accept you. Then respect her choice.

In the end, its matter of decision.

Cheers

bus SG

To Yunhaier:

Will there be cases where a woman cannot accept a guy (for whatever reasons) for the time being but in the end, she still comes back to the guy?

Something to add on: She is not only pledge by her sorry past but also her family problems which I am not that sure as well. She had very negative view about family/HOME. There is a time where I mentioned to her that I and my family members are close and we had dinner togther most of the time, when she hears this, she is annoy and said " what so good about HOME??"

This make me feel that because of her 2 main problems

1. Her Bad Past with guys
2. Her Family Problems

Might already make her give up long before I knew her!!!!!
What are your views? Hear from U again.

Yunhaier SG

In the end, it still boils to to one thing: suitability. I understand that you are attracted to this lady over here, but somehow, this friendship didn't moved onto a relationship, yet. You have been plague by this problem for quite some time already and I have a question for you - don't talk about whether she can be with you or not: do you seriously think she is suitable as a mate? Someone that you could see yourself in long term and be happy with?

Seriously speaking, if she ain't suitable, I advise you to keep other options open, free and focus on them because if you don't have the time, patience and everything else to get her. A potential contributes one side of the story - whether she is suitable speaks for the other half.

And to answer your questions, yes it does happen in reality. However it differs from case to case on whether the couple can really be together anot.

Cheers

Boo777 SG

Don't depend on horoscope too much... Some maybe accurate, some not... best to understand a person through true-to-life accounts.

Horoscope is only there to let you read and feel good about yourself, don't let it take charge of your life. Unless you wan to b a professional fortune-teller.

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

Ok, a virgo - a woman whose love is stimulated through the use of mental energy. Mercury her ruling planet, tend to make much more rational usage than emotional ones. She is the kind woman where there are conflicts between the mind and heart because they show different directions. Her inability to answer your question is because of her inability to make a decision to follow which side of her soul.

To explain the whole chunk of astro-like rubbish above: She demonstrate an unique quality that I would like to bring explain in details. You mentioned that she had undergo a bad relationship crisis which direct reduce her faith and morale in love. She is unable to release herself from her rigid form of experience, yet when you appear, she is not willing to let you vanish because you seemed like an opportunity into the future.

Future will seemed dark until you venture and seek the source of light. She is unable to leave the shores, yet she hates her present situations. (If she has Saturn affliction Moon - she will feel that love is a form of suffering. Worst if it's in sign of Pisces. Mental and emotional state will constant receive this message: To love is to suffer)

I can't remember what possible solution I had posted the previous time - I can only say this: if one method don't work, try something else. It seemed to me that you have always been employing pressuring-making-her-LL way of communication when it comes to her. You had already knew what's her problem - keep 'testing' or even asking question that you know she cannot answer will bring you nowhere. [b]In fact, she will sink deeper into her emotional haven and you will never get the answer/result you desire. Rolling Eyes

Do this: Do what she wants minus those questioning. If she wants to be friends, then remain as one. Mentally, always presume that you both are friends irregardless of what may happen in the future UNLESS she confess to you about her liking and probably you may like to post it here or PM me. How she wants to define your relationship with you, how she sees love, etc - don't matter here. By being with her like a normal/good friend - you will gradually shape, influence and change her thinking.

You don't even have to directly mentioned anything.

Tension will brew if her liking for you is there.

Of course, during these period, you are free to date other ladies as well. No promise, no liability, no relationship, no nothing. BTW: You don't have to tell her that. Rolling Eyes

Cheers[/b]

Yunhaier SG

I don't use horoscope to make my decision, even though my knowledge for astrology goes a little more than sun sign or your astrological sign.

Its merely just one tool to understand.

Maybe you ain't a regular reader at AA - don't worry, you will get used eventually. Welcome. Wink

Cheers

bus SG

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

In the end, it still boils to to one thing: suitability. I understand that you are attracted to this lady over here, but somehow, this friendship didn't moved onto a relationship, yet. You have been plague by this problem for quite some time already and I have a question for you - don't talk about whether she can be with you or not: [b]do you seriously think she is suitable as a mate? Someone that you could see yourself in long term and be happy with?

Seriously speaking, if she ain't suitable, I advise you to keep other options open, free and focus on them because if you don't have the time, patience and everything else to get her. A potential contributes one side of the story - whether she is suitable speaks for the other half.

And to answer your questions, yes it does happen in reality. However it differs from case to case on whether the couple can really be together anot.

Cheers [/b]

To Yunhaier:

Well, a good question from U. "Is she suitable for me"?

OK, I shall answer that: She is a few years my sENIOR and actually my close friend ask me to forget her as she will aged faster than me etc and in the long run, she is not really worth my time. I admit there are time where we share different views about things..Maybe due to her educational level, the type of people she mixed around?

For the time being, I can forgo all these as what I need is chances to go on a relationship to see what happen. If we can click in the end, I feel that it is OK for the 2 of us but given the current situation, it looks very difficult and I told U I already opening up myself to more options 2 months in advance as I forsee she cannot get over herself and will come out with a lot of excuses to make me move on while she just sacrifice and still wants me to keep in contact with her(Do not understand what she wants actually).
During the last argument, there are a lot of loopholes and contradictions in her speech and well, this made me more eager to give myself a chance (not putting too much effort as well) because after 6 months, she still the SAME as before.

As for that horoscope predictions: What U said MATCHED what she had been doing/thinking.

Just a question for U: She had been saying negative things about guys and when I asked her "U cannot get over your past based on those negative remarks" She denied by saying " I just mentioned to U but I already moved on".... Do U believe her Yunhaier?
For me, the answer is a FLAT NO as the reasons are if a person keep telling all these thing to U at a rather frequent basis..more or less it is TRULY from her heart and she will never recover. There is another clue to this :She told me she "regret" telling me about her past.....she does not want me to use it as a weapon/keys to the door of her heart. Am I right? It already sunned up the whole story and the question which she cannot answer me (Thanks for givig your anlaysis in the previous posting)

If she ONLY treat me as a friend since DAY 1, she WILL NOT have any difficulties in answering that simple question in the 1st place. What so special about a YES or NO? The more she hesitate, the more your prediction is true (refer to your previous posting) and the more she tries to escape, the more she valued me in her heart. What she FEARS is I VANISH in front of her which she does not want to see that.

OK, to cut thing short, Whether I am suitable for her is another issue..she can say whatever she likes but deep inside her heart, she had other thinking..This is also a trade mark about Virgo ladies.
Virgo ladies like to keep secrets which she does not want other to find out ....She told me she regrets telling me about her past is also a clue. Agree with me?

Meanwhile I just SMS to her telling her I still keep in contact with U....Yunhaier, I am doing what she wants minus all those questionings as what U want me to do currently.

Any comments from Yunhaier?

bus SG

To Yunhaier and the rest:

Virgo ladies VALUED old feelings.....remember that. I believe it is also because of this characteristics that she had a hard time to think which should she follows: her mind or her soul. thanks

Yunhaier SG

Age faster, education level, etc - all that contributes to first level suitability. There are higher forms which are critically more essential such as for example: the ability to be around with, the comfortability with thoughts and speech with each other, the level of mental and emotional networking, etc.

Can you see yourself being with her in the long run without the reoccurance of these repeated problems even if she were to agree to enter into a relationship with you? This part is about you, not her. Don't attempt a relationship to seek suitability test - discover them before you enter to minimize possible unfulfilling relationship.

I always like to say this: Words are simply words. Even if she can't answer you - it's mere conflict with mind, heart and soul. What she want to say is restricted by promise/committment phobia - so therefore its natural for her to behave this way.

She hasn't come up with the decision she wants to make for her love life and if you vanish, she might have regret not doing anything. My advise to banish pressuring tactic is to allow room for her to make decision. But allow me to tell you this: do not stall unneccessary and give up potential mates just because of her. In love, we can't always have win-win solution. If she feels more secured in not having to make any decision, then go on with your life. (Mantaining friendship has nothing to do with decision of chase - you can remain as friends, at the same time you can chose to give up the chase). Rolling Eyes

Even if one day regrets were to sink in, so be it. She has a lesson to learn. We can't be holding ourselves back because of one particular person. Can you imagine how many possible others we are holding back as well?

P.S: There are different reasons why people come into our lives. Many ain't for BGR reasons - in fact, majority leaves a valuable lesson for us to catch. If you are the lesson during this phrase of her life - at least you knew you made an impact in her even you didn't enter into a relationship with her physically. Rolling Eyes

Cheers

torx SG

I believe she may be avoiding the problem.. not so much of face… maybe she’s trying to fool herself into thinking that she doesnt care about the guy anymore?

bus SG

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

Age faster, education level, etc - all that contributes to first level suitability. There are higher forms which are critically more essential such as for example: the ability to be around with, the comfortability with thoughts and speech with each other, the level of mental and emotional networking, etc.

[b]Can you see yourself being with her in the long run without the reoccurance of these repeated problems even if she were to agree to enter into a relationship with you? This part is about you, not her. Don't attempt a relationship to seek suitability test - discover them before you enter to minimize possible unfulfilling relationship.

I always like to say this: Words are simply words. Even if she can't answer you - it's mere conflict with mind, heart and soul. What she want to say is restricted by promise/committment phobia - so therefore its natural for her to behave this way.

She hasn't come up with the decision she wants to make for her love life and if you vanish, she might have regret not doing anything. My advise to banish pressuring tactic is to allow room for her to make decision. But allow me to tell you this: do not stall unneccessary and give up potential mates just because of her. In love, we can't always have win-win solution. If she feels more secured in not having to make any decision, then go on with your life. (Mantaining friendship has nothing to do with decision of chase - you can remain as friends, at the same time you can chose to give up the chase). Rolling Eyes

Even if one day regrets were to sink in, so be it. She has a lesson to learn. We can't be holding ourselves back because of one particular person. Can you imagine how many possible others we are holding back as well?

P.S: There are different reasons why people come into our lives. Many ain't for BGR reasons - in fact, majority leaves a valuable lesson for us to catch. If you are the lesson during this phrase of her life - at least you knew you made an impact in her even you didn't enter into a relationship with her physically. Rolling Eyes

Cheers[/b]

Hi, Yunhaier:

As regards to your question: I am ready for a relationship and well, there bounds to be problems among couples and the 2 will have to sit down to iron out all the problems. Currently, it is she who does not have the faith in me (I understand all these) and I alone also cannot do much. Life is unpredictable and no one can predict the future and if I were to go into a relationship, I am also taking the risks of a breakup etc.. it hurts but this is part and parcel of life that everyone had to go thru. If she is to stay at her "comfort zone"..she is getting to NOWHERE and escaping from reality which I will not give myself a chance if the potential ones come by.

Yes, I am opening up myself to more openings Smile

Yunhaier's comments:
I always like to say this: Words are simply words. Even if she can't answer you - it's mere conflict with mind, heart and soul. What she want to say is restricted by promise/committment phobia - so therefore its natural for her to behave this way.

I started to remember that I did mention to her before that I need to go back for my reservist (Provided Yunhaier and the rest are local Singaporeans who understand this term) and she sounds anxious. the same goes to I had plan to further my studies and she quickly asked "Are U leaving Singapore"?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leaving seems to be the word she HATES and well, I am the main Actor in this drama. My close lady friend did mention that "This gal is a bit selfish as she wanted to keep U by her side and yet do not want to commit". I told my close lady friend that "Well, she is in a dilemma and it is so clearly seen that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN, she still wish I am around in her life.

Thru this association with her, I really seen/experience the sadness of someone who can't make decisions for herself. It is definitely a lesson learnt for me.

bus SG

To torx:

Hello. What U say is TRUE. She is avoiding a lot of things in this life. How sad if U got to live your life in such a state. I will be TRUTHFULLY to myself and I will choose the type of life I feel is FAIR to me to live. Cheers

Life is so short, why bluff yourself and also trying to bluff the others?

Yunhaier SG

You have a good analysis of your own situations and even if it doesn't work - good work because you gain insights about some issues in love.

I am sure you know what to do. Wink

Cheers

boy in blues SG

Originally posted by bus:

To torx:

Hello. What U say is TRUE. She is avoiding a lot of things in this life. How sad if U got to live your life in such a state. I will be TRUTHFULLY to myself and I will choose the type of life I feel is FAIR to me to live. Cheers

[b]Life is so short, why bluff yourself and also trying to bluff the others?[/b]

she's not ready for bgr with anybody. so you don't have to worry about being intercepted by other guys. you can help her with her problems as a close friend but stop asking her difficult questions because it will ruin your friendship even. meanwhile to be fair to yourself, get to know other female friends and keep your options open. but do not let her know that. even though she told you to got own with your life.

bus SG

To Yunhaier and all who responds

Well, I matured a lot after 6 months while associating with her. Yes, I can still keep in touch with her but at the same time I am looking out for potential mates for myself (must be fair to myself) currently.

As for her case, some suggested that she had already given up in life and is just cheating herself (her heart) that she had get over the past etc... Well, I can only do that much (I had done so) and it is up to her to decide. If by the end of the day she chose to remain at the shore (as mentioned by Yunhaier), NO ONE can helped her and she got to carry this "burden" thru-out her entire life.

That's about all. Anything else to add on/discuss on this issue? anything U all find "suspicious" etc? Hear from U all again.

Angles SG

Even though people often say gals and guys r different but the fact is many tinks guys and gals tink alike. Try putting yourself in her shoes, maybe you can understand her better. Imagine if you had also once be hurt by countless of girls, you will have the fear in you too, when it comes to committment or involving in a new relationship. I believe the same goes for her, Of course, another alternative will be hurting other innocent people who come into their life for the hurt they once suffered. People live because of motivation and because of love. With your repetition of questions only adds pressure to her. I believe you do not like to be pressed for an ans too. This is just going to trigger the anger or perhaps the hatred she had in her.

1) Her expectance of wanting to stay but afraid to be with you
her past relationship was prob first sweet followed by tears so she worried in your case, history will repeat itself. however, part of her stills hopes for a miracle to happen but afraid to try or believe.

Actually anyone with a bad encounter can change their lives totally for the future. What she might had suffered through might not be what you or anyone esle can understand the pain she had been through esp if she had once been physically hurt by guys, there is already a breech of trust . And trust, even for other people takes a very long time to build it back and for some people, this might not even be the case even they ascend to heaven.

She is prob engaging in her world, too afraid to step out for fear of being hurt but she hopes for love, concern and understanding in her own way.

By pushing her, you already show the lack of concern(maybe to her point ). try it doing her way. Even though it might require alot of patience to all the tantrums she might throw but if you are determined to change her, you have to use the soft way perhaps? She will slowly grow to change her concept.

I used to be like her, even till today. I am still afraid. Cause the hurt is too much to bear. My bf could repeat the questions I don know how to put in words again and again and it drives me crazy. words can be misleading and lead to a misunderstanding. Trying to explain may detoriate the situation. So i rather keep quiet. When he nice, I suspect he is entertainig me... Well, when you are too hurt.. any imaginations might surface w/o ur knowledge. But I still feel warmth even i verbally denies when he gives me love and concern and understading and metally support. Its alot of hard work on his part. and that sometimes triggers his temper I cant really take.

If she is really hurt give her some time, don push it too hard because even if she nods her head to be with you you might end up slashing each other throats because she hasnt move on.

Angles SG

Actually this cases are common, for some reasons, a women cant this particular guy and decided nt to b with him might come back to him because she cant find someone better. Basically, she opening up her choices and choose the ideal one

Angles SG

people can say if she aint willing to move on herself there is nothing much one can do but ask yourself again if you have been as hurt as her can you really move on as easy as said than being done? you dont to put all your time on her. She is not needing a boyfriend she just needs constant care. it can be from anyone even as a friend.

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