My Story... My Agony

springtime SG

hmm.... after all these post, i think i will try strengthen myself emotionally to accept this relationship whole heartedly. i know it's not nice , and not right being the other woman, but i feel that sinced this marriage would had fallen apart with or without my presence, so what difference does it make if i just wanna try to persue my happiness in it.

I know that there are chances that he may stay with his wife etc ... but then again in any relationship there are always gambles and risk to take. Who is to guarentee that a single guy with a single girl in a relationship would not end in betrayal ??? One thing for sure ... I did not destory their marriage ... it was already destoryed before my pressence .... I was just there to pick up and mend the pieces .... However, I must admit that I've not given much thought on how people would look at me when they find out about it. Dun think my colleagues know about us yet ... though a few had became suspicious that something maybe up between us... He had been asking me to spend my lunch breaks with him in his office lately and that kinda triggered the suspicion in them. Hmm... so most likely there are already talks going on around in the office about us ...

Anyway, tonight, he suggested that I should give up my apartment and shift in with him instead... I've not given him my reply but he is very persistent about it .... it seems that he had already assume that we are cohibiting starting next month, no compromise. I dun know if i'm ready for that sort of commitment yet afterall we had only been together for about 3 weeks. Hmm... I'm still thinking .....

Yunhaier SG

I need to highlight this:

sinced this marriage would had fallen apart with or without my presence

Your stand are based merely on his words. Not wise to do that. Afterall, I would advise you not to read fully on his words, just listen and that's it.

Cohabiting? Rolling Eyes

I strongly advise you to drop this idea if you wish to have your relationship a strong lasting one. Cohabiting will stagnant progress in relationship. Your relationship IS SHAKY - please recognise and note that. Your relationship ain't ready for such thingy. (Anyway, Cohabiting has more cons than pros, plus that would be another thread altogether) Introducing Cohabiting introduces NEW potential problems. A young relationship facing too much problem will seek its easiest way out - like electricity seeking the line of least resisiance (Physics theory), which would turn out to be your worst nightmare - a break-off.

Possible complication? Rolling Eyes

You have already shown to him your ultimate weakness - your inability to live without him (as you claim). He knows it and like what I had written in my prior post - he may (i said may), used this against you for personal gains like sex, money, etc, with/without him knowing. He probably doesn't need money - the cohabiting move would trigger the sex thingy. In the first place, he wouldn't be so beastly as to make use of this to gain easy access for sex (praying so), however, whenever you have future arguements with him - you will be vulnerable to give in his demands and everything else BECAUSE your dependancy is on him - EMOTIONALLY (So what is going to happen to your Love) & PHYSICALLY (So where can you move?). Your fear of losing him has increase to X3; You now live with him. You depend on him wholesomely.

To make matter worst - if you have little social life outside this bf of yours, which means viritually zero good friends to seek emotional assistance - tension, stress and stuff will suffocate you gradually.

P.S: I seriously ask you to re-consider your option of cohabiting with him. We have many ways to show our love - we don't have to resort to cohabiting. Think for your future; avoid short-term views that could have drastic effect on long term relationship - if that is what you want. If he apply pressure on this issue, even after you explain to him your stand - it's time to look at him from another light.

Cheers

boy in blues SG

your perception of his shaky marriage is based on his words alone. with all due respect he may be telling the whole truth. but you cannot deny the fact that there are other reasons why a married man would want to give a single woman that impression. being a gentleman as most westerners portray themselves, he should not begrudge you your doubts, because you have much more to lose than him. regarding that cohabiting thing, i suggest you live in his house for the 'day' as in prepare his meals, work with him, talk and chat with him, but get him to drive you home at night so you sleep alone in your own homes. this is to prevent him from getting into the habit of using your body for himself, and eventually getting tired of it. in a way, it's a test of his patience. and for you it extends your attractiveness. of course most importantly, you will have strategically reduced your risks. as you no doubt know, (generally) men and women want different things out of a relationship.

SingaporeTyrannosaur SG

I have little to say, but what I say I hope you listen to:

I think you already know if what you are doing is wrong or right, so I'm not going to harp on that. But allow me to point you to a very important fact:

How pure or true you think his love can be for you if he can forsake his marriage vows? Can you count on him to stay with you in the future? What makes you so sure that he won't claim no go with you and repeat the process with another lady?

The truth is, love goes beyond the action of oxytonin and seratonin, it is also a long term commintment taken by people who have made promises to each other that they will keep to the very end, come what may. I'm afriad this man hardly shows the qualities of a man worthy of your future... and frankly, you might be missing out on the real ONE if you carry on this way.

And of course, has it occured to you that the excuse of a destroyed marriage is more of him telling you what you'd like to hear (so that your current actions will be more platiable) then representing the actual truth? How much do you know about the other side anyway? Can you be sure there are no children? No people who would wonder why their loved one suddenly gone away? It is worth it? Are you willing to sacrifice other's happiness for your own selfish desires?

For look at your arrangments now... are they not shaky with hardly a basis of a long term plan in sight? Beyond the chemical love, can you envision living with him?

Cohabitation? I'm afriad it's an all too easy (and no strings attatched way) of getting his way with you without having to pay the cost.

Beyond a surface attraction to your asian nubilty and exoticness, I can't see anything else that this guy could want to get otta ya...

For somebody who does not treasure his vows, I can't comprehend how he can assure your future...

xavier1979 SG

What we can offer, we had offered here - Advice.

What to do next, you decide. Be it good or bad, live with it.

Hurting? Might. Regrets? Never.

springtime SG

hmm... i think after reading all your replies, it does make me feel better. when I first posted here about 2 days back I was in a very low and confused period of my life. But after reading all your replies, even though I still choose to stay in the relationship (oops , can really see everyone rolling their eyes at me) I do feel much better, and I seem to be able to see these matters in a clearer light.

I just feel that i wanna keep on in this relationship because i want to try. I just felt that his feelings towards me are genuine. I asked myself, do i want to give this up because i cannot convice myself on the morality of it or do i wanna give it up only after i can give myself an answer why i should after trying. I choose the later ofcourse, because at the very least i know i've tried. I dun wanna end up thinking about the "what if" factor for giving up on this relationship now. At least I know that I won't regret for not trying. If things fail, i may end up paying a high price for it, physically, emotionally, time whatever. However I think at the very least it's a path which I've choosen and i only have myself to blame. I understand and know that there are many fishes in the ocean and giving up on this relationship doesn't mean the end. I guess all i can say in my lame defence is this one just feel so right. i not trying to brag here, but I've never been short of male suitors, but he is the only one that can make me wanna be with him. The only one can make me feel love and make me wanna get straight, no longer a les. Simply, he is just different from the rest.

I'm just glad that I am starting to find myself in this whole mess and I do begin to feel more in control of my life and relationship decisions. That i have credit to all your replies.

As for the issue of cohabitation, I have decided to stay by myself for now. Just felt it's too soon for me to make such a commitment. i know he isn't gonna be happy about it , but I need to convince him somehow and he just gotta accept it somehow. Perhaps a compromise somewhere yeah ??? any suggestions?

SingaporeTyrannosaur SG

Hmm... I'm not sure that's a really wise course of action, but that's your choice to make. I just have to say though this is not the first "forbidden relationship" I have come across and the truth of the matter is, I have seen how they can crash and burn those involved really badly.

Personally, on the issue of feeling "right", I'm afriad we sometimes have to step back and look at the issue from a realistic point of view... there have been many times where I have seen this person and thought that this could be it, that it felt right, and started to come up with all sorts of ways in my mind that we could be together... but in the end, at the end of the day, after the smoke all settles, I realized how foolish I had been in entertaining these emotions over my understanding of right and wrong, for they cost me more then I ever envisioned... Before you jump into any conclusions, nothing zia lat happened, for my case, it's just that several of my friendships have been strained and my reputation soiled because of entertaining what felt "right" even when I knew it was ultimately wrong.

The whole irony was... I was never, and have never been in a relationship, I am still young. So why am I telling you all this?

Because I know that in whatever you do... when you start out on the wrong foot, you'll regret, and wish that you've never tried in the first place.

After all, there are rules in how we conduct our relationships, and these rules are there for a good reason, and that is to protect us. Given the history of this man, can you be sure that if you two get a fight one day he would not go out and find another lady? And tell her the same story that he's in an unhappy relationship?

Believe me, it might cost you a lot more then you are willing to pay...

Based on what you have told me, I can see little reason for you to carry on... don't worry about the "what ifs".

If you believe that love can overcome all, then how come love failed him and his wife? Will the same happen to you?

There's a story in the bible about two brothers, one of which sold out his birthright (inheritence) to his younger brother over a meal.

In the same way, I seriously advice you to consider your future, rather then selling it away for something such as this. Is it worth it? Or are you making your desision based on the immediate pleasures of feeling in chemical love to be offset by tons of suffering later.

I don't think you are getting the best for yourself, or for him. Actually, I don't think this relationship is fair for anyone involved in it at all.

That's why we should never, ever get involved with married people.

Devil1976 SG

Oops! Pls claim from Yun.... < Mr. Green

Yunhaier SG

The life we get, is the road we chose and walked.

Compromise? Rolling Eyes

Have a soul talk? And communicate the factors to him - especially emphasising on the point that it would be better for the relationship. If you both are close-knitted and if your relationship is strong - its the same whether you stay or not. He has to learn to give and take and you learn to prevent yourself from succumbing to his every will.

P.S: I don't support chasing someone who is married because usually, it don't end up well eventually. But usually, cases that I know, always happened after I get to know about it. Things are messy and we have to look at the whole picture. Seriously speaking, if the wife is a Singaporean, I would strongly advise you to give up because it wouldn't work or you would have to go through a strong string of karmic repaying for your choice made. Then again, in your case, you could try - but I predict strong conflict and affliction.

People, here's a lesson - don't farking get married just for the sake of it. You ruin not your life if you ain't happy about it - you actually affect someone else's life and this someone would be someone you care about in the future. This applies to BGR as well. You pick the route you wanna go - guess we have a wide scope of views for you to consider as well.

Cheers

Yunhaier SG

/me poke devil.

Erm... your winnings in gambling during CNY should be able to fork out these small sums leh. Twisted Evil

Devil1976 SG

I didn't gamble at all during Chinese New Year..? Rolling Eyes

Yunhaier SG

Alright, your ang baos then. Twisted Evil

springtime SG

alrite ... keep the money ... a token of appreciation from me to you yeah ?? hehehehe....... Very Happy

springtime SG

Originally posted by SingaporeTyrannosaur:
[b]

Personally, on the issue of feeling "right", I'm afriad we sometimes have to step back and look at the issue from a realistic point of view... there have been many times where I have seen this person and thought that this could be it, that it felt right, and started to come up with all sorts of ways in my mind that we could be together... but in the end, at the end of the day, after the smoke all settles, I realized how foolish I had been in entertaining these emotions over my understanding of right and wrong, for they cost me more then I ever envisioned... Before you jump into any conclusions, nothing zia lat happened, for my case, it's just that several of my friendships have been strained and my reputation soiled because of entertaining what felt "right" even when I knew it was ultimately wrong.

Hmm.... what happened ?? care to share ... I'm at all ears ... hehehe......

Anyway i understand where you are coming from, but I need to get myself burnt before I will give up. That's how much I want the relationship I guess. I made a promise to myself that I will step away from the relationship the moment I know he isn't "right" for me. For now I just need to try... I just need to know. At the very least I know that I'm kinda sending myself to the lion's den... if it doesn't work out, it just doesn't, no surprises... but if it works out it's a bonus ....

As for the issue of the wife, there was never love in the first place. More like an arranged marriage. So it wasn't an issue of love turn sour.

springtime SG

Talked to him about it already. Took loads of effort to get him to see things from my point of view. Clearly he was disappointed, but he told me that he will respect my decision because I'm not ready for that level of commitment yet sinced we are barely a month together. However, he wants me to give it some thought and let him know when I'm ready to shift in with him.... the other condition he had stated was he wants me to stay over every weekends, meaning Friday, Sat and Sundays. Both of which are conditions i'm agreeable to. Well... guess it wasn't that bad after all yeah ?? Dun know if that meant I had won this time around or not.

P.S:[b] I don't support chasing someone who is married because usually, it don't end up well eventually. But usually, cases that I know, always happened after I get to know about it. Things are messy and we have to look at the whole picture. Seriously speaking, if the wife is a Singaporean, I would strongly advise you to give up because it wouldn't work or you would have to go through a strong string of karmic repaying for your choice made. Then again, in your case, you could try - but I predict strong conflict and affliction.
[/b]

I know things gets messy and often the one losing the battle is the 3rd party, me. However considering all the factors involve, loveless and long distance marriage, I am still able to see abit of light in it, that's why I'm so strong about wanting to give it a try. He was required to go back and celebrate the CNY with his parents and wife, however he choose to stay here with me, stating that he had loads to do at work and couldn't leave. That decision kinda made me feel really warm.... Bad decision or not to stay in this relationship, guess only time will tell ... will keep you people posted. yeah ?

People, here's a lesson - don't farking get married just for the sake of it. You ruin not your life if you ain't happy about it - you actually affect someone else's life and this someone would be someone you care about in the future. [b]This applies to BGR as well. You pick the route you wanna go - guess we have a wide scope of views for you to consider as well.

[/b]

so so true ....!

[/quote]

Devil1976 SG

Problem solved? Rolling Eyes

kakoumeiyo SG

Er.. Arranged marriage in modern day, for an ABC??
Pardon me, but why doesn't he raised any disapproval in the first place? And if he tell you that he dun wanna his parent/wife to lose face or dun wanna them to get hurt? Then what about now?

As many have mentioned not to move in with him now, please really seek this advise. Why is your man so anixously wanted you to moved in with him? Aren't you guys gonna meet each other everyday in office and maybe even weekends? What does he really seeks?

Sorry that i might sounds harsh but i am just curious.
Take Care.

Regards
Meiyo

springtime SG

[quote]Originally posted by kakoumeiyo:
[b]

Er.. Arranged marriage in modern day, for an ABC??
Pardon me, but why doesn't he raised any disapproval in the first place? And if he tell you that he dun wanna his parent/wife to lose face or dun wanna them to get hurt? Then what about now?
>>> yup that's the story, a somewhat arranged marriage. He did disapprove to the marriage, but his father gave him a either take the wife or leave the family option. Though ABC, his parents aren't and they were still a very traditional asian family living in america. They are a family of reputable background and leaving the family for your freedom to love wasn't that sensible a solution either. It wasn't a lose face issue for the parents but more like a I want to you marry a proper asian girl from the same hometown, thus a family friend's daughter. This story was initially an office gossip that became confirm when I asked him about it. I heard about it even before we started working together. I dun know if you understand how difficult is it to stand up for what you believe in (eg freedom to love) in a traditional asian family where the father is the respected and the head of the family... Yes you can always do it, but sometimes it takes more then just personal rights and believes to fight for what you want. More often is easier said then done. As for now, well the parents are not aware of this affair so there aren't any case here. As long as there are no spies checking on him over here, the story won't reach america isn't it? If there are, well, too bad then... it would probably be all over... I'm quite sure about it. Ask him that before and he couldn't answer, just told me he will always love me.... oh well... not really answer...

As many have mentioned not to move in with him now, please really seek this advise. Why is your man so anixously wanted you to moved in with him? Aren't you guys gonna meet each other everyday in office and maybe even weekends? What does he really seeks?
>>> I did not agree to move in full time with him. We will just stay together over the weekend be it my place or his. I'm fine with that idea seriously. As to why he wants us to stay together permanently, well he felt that it's kinda silly for us to each own a place individually. Sinced we are always at together, he thought it would be easier for us if we are just staying together. Frankly, if what he seeks is just physical pleasures, he dun need us to be staying together to get it. To me, physical intimacy and commitment are two different issues. I dun wanna stay together coz i dun wanna feel tied down so soon. Staying together is like my whole life is his, like a marriage without the title. I'm sure that's not what i want at the moment 'coz I still wanna have my own personal space and life.

kakoumeiyo SG

Hi Springtime,

Yes i understood more now.
Thanks for sharing.
I am just standing at my point of view to look at this matter.
I personally felt that love cannot be force and not to mentioned about marriage. But that is no reason for him to be with you, since he has already made the decision to accept the marriage.

Well, since you have decide to go ahead with this relationship, please promised yourself that you will not regret for the decision you made now. Every decision made is a step in your life. Be it wonderful or bad, dun ever regret. Just know that you can always come in and drop a message, you will know that all of us will be here.

It is not that i support your decision but i just dun wanna see any one get hurt emotionally. Sometimes being hurt emotionally is worse than being hurt phyiscally.

Take Care.
Meiyo

springtime SG

I understand everything that you are saying and I'm also aware, but dun worry coz i can assure you i know what i'm getting myself into. Ofcourse i know that this decision I had choosen is not a favourable one, nevertheless, just like I mentioned before I need to know for myself where will this head. I won't regret this decision because I know that I will regret without trying at all. Most of all, i'm also aware that the chances of a future with him is really slim, unless a divorce is in place, but I still choose to keep. Silly as it may sound, I guess it's the freedom to choose who I love? I will cherish myself and I will definately not be so blinded in love to allow myself to be abused in any manner. I still have in me that amount of pride, at the very least. I sincerely thank you for your concerne. At least i know that there will always be this outlet here for me to voice all my fastrations. Very Happy

« Previous Page Next Page »