Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would be my
first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people whom i
do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i want to
say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my
best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't
club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex,
don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent,
unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent
mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young
for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty
person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i
know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never
experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i
wonder where is mine?
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant
cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar,
the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm
just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good
results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold
into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated.
All these had long come to past.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an
antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it
was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted
for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed,
while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have
relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i
was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes
non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing.
My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a
depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I
suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep,
insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people
saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother
hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended
the relationship with my gf.
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day;
no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer
being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do,
while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic
depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able
to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have
deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires. I'm
still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically, some
of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i know
my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the
expectations. I'm quite loss.
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still
find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified
to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to
know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to
move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move
on...
