Originally posted by wa|th3r:
Silly as i am probably going to sound. I guess this would
be my first time voicing my hurts here online to a lot of people
whom i do not know. But this can probably also be the reason why i
want to say this, because my friends cannot accept the way i
am.
By my very own standards, I feel that i am already being at my
best, some of the better compared to people around my age. I don't
club, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't constantly crave for sex,
don't go around breaking girls' hearts etc.
I'm from an emotionally broken family. A traditional, violent,
unreasonable father, who brings only money back home/a nonchalent
mother who cares little about her children/2 siblings way too young
for me to relate to. Lucky as i may seem, emotionally, i'm an empty
person. Since young, i never know what love is. Intellectually i
know how it is defined, but remains a fairy tale I have never
experienced. While everyone may seem to have a share of it, i
wonder where is mine?
My parents loved to compared me to my intelligent and brilliant
cousins. Both are geniuses in their own way, a Cambridge scholar,
the other getting his Phd well before he turn 25. Academically, i'm
just like any other, lazy, unmotivated, but would still get good
results when drived to do so. Even when my grades improved two fold
into 4 distinctions, from all Cs, my efforts were unappreciated.
All these had long come to past.
Only when i turned 18, i got to know my first girlfriend. For an
antisocial, that was good news already, at least to me. Though it
was all a bed roses, it didn't last long. Our relationship lasted
for barely more than a year, we broke up. She was a depressed,
while i am just as mentally ill. Believe it or not, i didn't have
relations with her, yet i was constantly accused of it, and once i
was threatened to death by my father. Even til today, he believes
non i said. We broke up simply because i felt it was overbearing.
My family didn't like her, she needed my company as she's a
depressed. I was helpless, and i was just as ill myself. I
suspected i was clearly losing my mind. Sometimes i lose my sleep,
insomnia. Sometimes i cry for no reason. Hallucinations of people
saying hateful things about me follow, images of my father/mother
hitting me like a beast haunted me. I couldn't escape. So i ended
the relationship with my gf.
Things did not get any better, my mind was going crazy day by day;
no longer could i coordinate my mind with body. Like my computer
being hacked into, the Trojan Horse just did whatever it can do,
while i watch helplessly by. Later, i was diagnosed as a manic
depressive.
With God, i recently converted and learned many things. I am able
to take things more easily now, my medical condition seemed to have
deluded me. But little have changed to help my deepest desires.
[b]I'm still as lonely, still as melancholic as before. Ironically,
some of God's commandments are driving me to the edge. Although i
know my religion is essentially good, i can't match up to the
expectations. I'm quite loss.
Romantically, i lost that feeling altogether. Even when i still
find myself desiring to restore that feeling, i'm far too terrified
to try the unexplored waters. Because when people really get to
know who i really am, i'm left alone again.
Not that any advise can help me now, the thing i can do now is to
move on and think. That's why my signature below. I try to move
on...
[/b]
I don't know if any advise will really help you but I can really
understand how you feel. Cos my father was a very traditional and
violent man....very violent.....to the extend we lend up in police
station. My mum suffered a great deal. So did all of
us...financially, emotionally...well, that's not the point here.
The point I want to point out is that I can understand from your
level what you're driving at. And...I just want you to know,
believing in God is one thing, committing your burdens, fears and
sins to Him is another thing. And we all dun deserve His perfect
love & mercy but He still loves us; that's call
grace. And with His grace, He loves us
unconditionally. So what expectations are you
trying to match? We can never meet His expectations....never cos we
are all not perfect. Think there's anyone in this world who can
meet the 10 commandments. None. We just strive to be more like Him
cos we know we are made in His image, and when we fail, we know He
still loves us and will carry us through. I love this verse I just
memorised Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified in Christ and I no
longer live; but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I
live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for
me." So, your "old" self is "dead", treasure your new "creation".
God Bless N take care 
