You can take your testicles, and crush them between 2 bricks.
Then get a mallet and hammer your dick till its a pulp, then cut it
off with a hacksaw, then throw the remains in a blender. Blend it
into a clear liquid, add embalming fluid and keloid milk, then put
it in an enema and pump the liquid up your ass. Then, rub a mixture
of salt, citric acid and vinegar all over the bloody stump and
inject yourself with the ebola virus. Then get a gluegun and seal
the wound. Then get a nail gun and a staple and pin the wound
closed. Then have a friend bring you in a large cage and with your
hands and legs chopped off and stuffed in your various orifices,
and leave you on some windswept crag in some godforsaken mountain
range.
Easy peasy.
