Funny Jokes

last SG · 2004-11-10T17:46:40+00:00

I WOULD WANT SILICON In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said,...

evodarren SG

I'D LOSE MY SIREN

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. The boy had his little red wagon. He had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat.

He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren."

evodarren SG

WEE-WEE

For many years a guy is looking for a pure and innocent girl to marry.

Finally, he meets a really nice girl, but to be sure he brings her up to his place and after some drinks he drops his pant, holds his penis in his hand and asks her "What is this?" She says "That's a wee-wee."

So convinced of her purity he marries her. He's about to get into bed with her on their honeymoon night when he drops his pajamas and holding his penis in his hand once more, he asks "What's this?" She replies "I told you that's a wee-wee." He says, "No, this is really called a cock." She says "No, a cock is about eight inches long and two inches wide, yours is a wee-wee

evodarren SG

ELEPHANT'S TRUNK GLANDS

An old man and a young woman fall in love, but after trying to have sex a number of times the old man cannot stay erect.

They finally go to the doctor and he convinces the old man to have a new experimental procedure, in which an elephant's trunk glands are inserted into his dick, so he can stay erect when they make love.

He loves her, so he decides to try it, and it works! So they plan to get married, and he's invited over to her mother's house for dinner.

At the dinner table when her mother is in the kitchen the girl get horny and reaches under the table and opens the old man's pants and takes his dick out to play with it, but she quickly removes her hand when her mom returns from the kitchen with the food.

But, just as the mother puts the old man's plate down in front of him, the man's unzipped elephant dick suddenly reaches out, over the table and grabs a potato from his plate and pulls it quickly back under the table.

The astonished and dumbfounded mother finally says to the old man, "I can't believe what I just saw, can you do that again?" And the man says, "I'm sure I could, but I don't think I have room in my ass for another potato!"

evodarren SG

INVENTING A WOMAN

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention. The assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:"

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Humm," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "You are 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

evodarren SG

CAMEL GEAR

Baby Camel: "Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?"

Mum Camel: "They're for storing fat in out in the desert."

Baby Camel: "Why do we have hooves, then?"

Mum Camel: "So our feet don't sink into the hot sand."

Baby Camel: "Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?"

Mum Camel: "To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm."

A moment later...

Baby Camel: "Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?"

evodarren SG

JOB INTERVIEW

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. "So, Miss," the interviewer asks, "Can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Um... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, "Five foot two."

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, "Jenny."

The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, "What did you do when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, you know: 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

evodarren SG

A DIRTY FORK

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly bring him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

evodarren SG

MY GOOD OLD BOAT

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.

evodarren SG

LITTLE BOY AND GIRL

There was once this little boy, and everyday he walked home from school past a little girl's house.

One day this little girl was playing outside, so the little boy walked up to her with his brand new football and said "See this football? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with this." So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother.

The very next day the little girl showed her brand new football to the little boy, who got angry and ran home. The next day, the boy showed up with a new boy's bike and said, "See this bike? This is a boy's toy and only boys can play with it."

So the little girl got angry and ran inside to tell her mother, and the very next day had a brand new boy's bike.

The little boy got so angry that he pulled down his pants and said, "You see this, only boys can have this, girls can't."

And again the little girl ran inside to tell her mother.

The next day, the boy came back and asked here if she got one.

The little girl pulled up her shirt and said, "My mommy says as long I have a pair of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

evodarren SG

LIVER AND CHEESE

Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence."

Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."

"No imagination at all," said the poodle.

Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."

"That's worse than the Lab," she replied.

Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

evodarren SG

JOHNNY'S GAMBLING PROBLEM

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole, and took his ten dollars."

"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

evodarren SG

WHAT IS POLITICS?

A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

evodarren SG

TALKING DOG

A man goes into a bar with a dog and sits down at the counter and places the dog on the next stool. "Let me have a beer" says the man, and the dog says "I'll have one too!" The bartender laughs and says "what are you a ventriloquist or something?" The man says "No, he is a talking dog," and the dog says "That's right, where's my beer?"

Well the bartender gives them a beer and after talking to them for a while he realizes this is for real. Finally, being out of cigarettes he asks the owner if his dog can get him some butts down the street. The owner says he never has, but I'm sure he can. So the bartender gives the dog ten dollars for a carton of cigarettes and sends the dog on its way.

Half an hour later when the dog doesn't return the two men get worried and go out looking for the dog. Finally, they pass an alley and there's his dog screwing another dog. The owner says to his dog, "I don't understand, you never did this before." And the dog says "I never had ten dollars before!"

Enilec SG

haha... so funny.... *CLapZzzZZ* X 3 Laughing

evodarren SG

STAND STILL SOLDIER

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.

"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter" - that did it.

evodarren SG

DRAW THE LINE

A guy and girl meet at a bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in, starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it and says, "What's this for? Are you some kind of pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kind of sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his Johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "You are going to have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

evodarren SG

LENGTH OR HEIGHT

A group of mangers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and a measuring tape. They keep falling off the ladder, dropping the tape and the whole thing in mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and gives the measurement to one of the manager and walk away.

After the engineer left, one of the manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length."

evodarren SG

BREAKING OFF

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I cannot remember which one is you. Please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

evodarren SG

FORBIDDEN ROOM

Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden!

Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room. He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all over the walls. She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living. He tells her that he was a meat grinder so she pulls out a meat grinder and grinds up his dick he runs out screaming.

The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, "My father was a butcher." So she chops it off and he runs out screaming.

Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens. But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lollipop tester, so get down and start sucking!"

evodarren SG

COMFORTABLE

A blonde and a brunette purchased a farm in Louisiana, but they needed a bull. It was decided that the brunette would take $200 and go to Chicago to buy the bull. She purchased the bull for $197 and went to send her friend a telegram. The clerk told her the telegram would cost three dollars per word to Louisiana. The brunette thought for a moment, then decided to send one word: "Comfortable."

The clerk was puzzled and asked, "How will your friend know what you mean?"

The brunette replied, "Well, you see, my friend is a little slow, so when she gets this, she'll read: 'Com-for-da-bul.'"

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