Before I start I have to be honest with you, this is not one of
your better poems. As a friend, I am not going to hold back, so
here goes
Kindergarten
The title says it all, nothing interesting about it.
Mothers stand with open umbrellas in the
rain,
Forgive me but I am really amused by this line. Isnt it obvious
that if it is raining, you need to open your umbrella? And isnt it
also obvious that most likely these mothers will be standing rather
than sitting around in the rain with open umbrellas?
watching their babies through the shutter
windows.
Imo, watching is rather weak and passive. If you are trying to
portray the anxieties of the mothers, I suggest the whole sentence
should be rewritten.
Say goodbye, wave a little bye-bye, blow a little
kiss
Too many repetition of bye here.
before the teachers shut the windows and break
out
I like this line, especially the ending. But may I suggest breaking
the line at break, help to keep the readers in suspense.
the crayons. I don't remember my first day except
that I cried; shamelessly; and why shouldn't I:
Slightly too wordy for me. Sorry but I dont really like it.
to be taken away from my lovely mother and
made
I am not crazy about lovely mother. Maybe it is just me.
to sit in a room full of strange children and
hags
Same problem with open umbrellas in the rain. I mean you either sit
or stand in the room right? I am also confused regarding the
emotions of the narrator as a child. Was he/she feeling anxious,
curious, indifferent, angry, etc?
who wear dresses with too many flower prints and
demand obedience. Who does this to their love ones?
Weak ending. I am afraid the question doesnt do much for me.
I know you can do better than this as I've read your other poems.
