"Youre a jerk!"
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robins correct number
and called her. She had recently changed the last two digits of her
number. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the
same person answered, I yelled, "YOURE A JERK!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk" and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had
a really bad day, Id call him up. Hed answer, and then Id yell,
"YOURE A JERK!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone companies introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the
jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I
heard his voice I made up a name. "Hi." I said, "This is Herman
with the telephone company and Im just calling to see if youre
familiar with our caller ID program?"
He shouted, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "THATS BECAUSE YOURE A
JERK!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 722-4822.
A few months later an old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking space. I didnt think she was ever going
to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to, very
slowly, back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give
her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, "shes finally
leaving."
All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle
(going the wrong direction) and pulls into her space. I started
honking my horn and yelling, "You cant just do that, Buddy. I was
here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro and completely ignored me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didnt even hear me.
Thought to myself, "this guys a jerk
there sure are a lot of
jerks in this world." Then I noticed the for sale sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number before hunting for a new
parking spot.
A couple days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just got
off the phone after calling the 722-4822 jerk (Its really easy
since I have his number on speed dial) when I noticed the phone
number of the black Camaro guy lying on my desk. So I figured I
should give him a call too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I said, "Is
this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is," he answered
"Can you tell me where I can see it at?" I asked
"Yes, I live at 1802 W 4th street. Its a yellow house and the car
is parked right out front."
"Im sorry
whats your name," I asked
"My name is Don Hansen" he replied
"Whats a good time to catch you Don?"
"Im home in the evenings," he said
"Listen Don," I started getting serious, "can I tell you
something?"
Don seemed a little caught off guard by the change in my tone but
eventually answered, "Yes"
Then I did it, in my moment of glory I shouted, "DON, YOURE A
JERK!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don
Hansens number to my speed dial.
For a while things seemed to be going quite well for me. Now when I
had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of
calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started
to seem like an obligation. It just wasnt as enjoyable as it used
to be. I needed a different form of entertainment. And see that I
am a loyal person I figured I would keep the Jerks
the only thing
that would change was my method.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. The man as always answered
nicely. And I immediately yelled, "YOURE A JERK!" but this time I
didnt hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there???"
"Yeah
" I answered defiantly.
"Stop calling me," he insisted
"NO!" I shouted back
After a slight pause he responded with suppressed anger, "whats
your name pal?"
"Don Hansen" I responded with a smile on my face.
"And where do you live?" he said with the same dangerous
tone.
"1802 West 4th Street." I answered fearlessly.
"Im coming over right now Don. Youd better say your prayers," he
threatened.
"Yeah, like Im really scared, JERK!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. "Hello" he answered
So I replied, Hello, JERK!
He stared in on me right away, "If I ever find out who you
are
"
"Youll what?" I interrupted
"Ill kick your butt!" he shouted. Not able to stifle his anger as
well as Jerk #1 did.
"Well, heres your chance. Im on my way right now
JERK!" and I
hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 4th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 4th street to watch the
whole thing. I turned into 4th street and parked my car under the
shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2s house. There were two
guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were 12 police cars and a
helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took
them away.
A couple of months later I get a call for jury duty. And I was
selected to be a juror for the trial of the two jerks who were both
charged for disorderly conduct. It turns out I might have
influenced the jury a bit; because when they announced the verdict,
they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, AND a
couple of JERKS!"
