sudden awareness---a ranting session

last SG · 2007-04-21T14:50:05+00:00

so?? when u compare peanuts to abalone, of course u feel inferior... why compare to others, your life is yours... it may be bitter but u make your own life.....

airgrinder SG

Hi TS.

Not here to ask u to think positive or empathise with u. I just wanna say this.

I know several people that work through their poly, uni years to pay for their own fees and expenditure. I know how hard it was, I had seen it, as well as seen several going through it. I myself am lucky not to have gone through it, although I do work for my own pocket money.

What I can tell u is these people who gone through all this are very responsible, very streetwise, and are tough chicks and guys (Couldn't think of a word to replace guy). They know how about planning, about how to care for themselves.

Of the handful of 5-6 friends I can recall who work through their schooling years, all of them, in their career, are now some senior people or on the career path towards some senior position.

I strongly believe they got to where they are due to their experiences and strong character forged during their student working years.

I believe you can be one of them too. BUT, u may be caught in a fork path now judging from ur 1st post. Blaming ur family, looking down on urself and general self pity will lead u down a spiral path down down down into quicksand. This is one way u would not wish to go to. It's good to know how u fair, how ur family fair when compared to others. This is realism. However, u'll have to get out of it and let you experiences, streetwise-ness, people handling, and strong character shine.

Else nothing can save u.

$0.02
Cool

BadzMaro SG

i think Starblue is trying to say about NOW. like the age now.. where the luxuries of not needing to worry so much about work n spending while in the studying life. Cause there is a difference between now which u are in your study years , your prime VS older.. working able to have that feeling n now is different lo.

*wonders* mmmmm~~ yup..

LazerLordz SG

Something to ponder, what if an individual had a good life initially, relatively wealthy family and all, then suffered a huge financial crisis, had to work and study at the same time, and then circumstances improved dramatically back to pre-crisis days, then he or she suddenly feels that maybe they deserve to live a good life after 7-8 years of trying to get by..

Ponder that. Neutral

ShrodingersCat SG

unfortunately it is the philosophy you build NOW that will affect your attitude and priorities in the future.

NeverSayGoodBye SG

[quote]Originally posted by starblue:
[b]it's like this.... recently, i invited a friend over to my house to study together. when she stepped in, and sat on the sofa, she was like totally pensive and withdrawn. and i suddenly realise something.

i've been to her house, and it was really huge compared to my 4 room apartment. i guess she must be feeling very stiffled in my house. i asked her very straightforwardly if that was the case, and she said yes.

and then, i thought about all my friends' houses which i've visited before. and i suddenly realise that yeah, my house is really really tiny relative to theirs.

and then i thought about the times when we discussed about our family incomes. and our daily allowances. and our expenditure. etc etc..... suddenly, it all came to me. that i am really born in a poor family, with parents in the working class. that my entire family's income (including mine) is even less than what any one parent of my friends' have. this awareness has never been so bared before me prior to this.

and i must admit that this isnt a very good feeling. mind, i'm not upset that my friends are richer than me. yet i cant help but feel a bit bitter about having to work that much harder to get the same, if not less than what my friends can get without effort. i cant help but feel a slight resentment towards my dad.

if only he could get a stable job. even if it pays only 1000 a month. hell, even if it's just 800. if our family had that additional income, then i would have been able to just rely on my parents for allowance in my university years, like all my friends are. i wouldnt need to force myself to work, or worry whenever i lost a tuition assignment, or wadever sht there is concerning money. i could have had much more time for myself, for club activities, for socialising, for getting a boyfriend etc etc.

sigh....

bu4 tong2 ren2 bu4 tong2 ming4. it is so unfair.

.....i am sadden not in your predicament but the way you thought of it. As a person who is having her higher education to think this way is even harder to comprehend. You gotta get a grip, remember that life is not always fair. Take difficulties as a teacher giving you a lesson in life. Why compare with others? you are your own master, you have the power to choose light or darkness. Consider yourself lucky that you still have the freedom and means to do so, that's your good health and fountain of smart.

So what if people have bigger house, more money, bigger car or high paying jobs, that doesn't mean their life is as challenging or fulfilling as yours. Seems like you're suffering from low self-esteem. It's time to focus on your strengths and not your weaknesses. I can give you my sympathy, but it won't get you anywhere.

Work on your self esteem, if not even if you got your degree, you will still feel inferior to others. Hope in times to come, you can look back with sweetness and not anger. Very Happy

starblue SG

first, let me clarify a few things.

1) the focus of the comparison with friends is not in the size of the house or the amt of money we have. i'm born in this family, and i've lived in this kinda environment, i have long gotten used to getting what i am getting now. the focus of the comparison is that they get such an easy life without a care for money problems. they get to enjoy university campus life, concentrate on their studies etc etc. sometimes, it just gets too tiring to do everything on my own. it's just too draining to enjoy campus life, and concentrate on studies, and make friends, and earn money, and worry about money, and all that sht all at the same time.

2) i do not feel inferior to my friends with regards to being born in a not-so-well to do family. and i definitely have confidence in my capabilities. my only resentment comes from a father who can never sustain any job for more than 5 months. a father who can dun go for work for a whole week, during which, he stays at home the whole farking day reading newspapers and the bible and singing hymns and praying and filling with the Holy spirit. Rolling Eyes

i dunno about you, but as a woman, my only hope for a future husband is that he can work to support half of the family's expenses when the children are studying. when all the children are working and earning their own money, he can get a easier job and just earn enuff to support himself and i wont even bat an eyelid. all i've ever hoped to see is that my father puts in effort to put a morsel of bread on the table. it that a lot to ask for?

anyway, my family had another of those "utterly useless nothing can come out of it" discussions with my dad last night. same outcome.

he has two options (which we've all clearly put in front of him):

1) continue to do his wadever-sht business and get an unstable income (or continue to incur a loss even), and be unable to pay his debts in his lifetime (which mind you, he's expecting me to pay for him).

2) sell the shop (so he doesnt need to pay the rent of 1100 bucks), and his van (he still got his bike), and get that $1800 job that he found (but rejected).

guess wad was the outcome of that 4.5 hour long discussion?

Rolling Eyes

sometimes, i wonder why i still bother.

starblue SG

i've had this kinda bitterness for quite long already (7 years already. that's how long this sht has been happening). i know exactly how i will go on about with my life, like i have always done. grin and bear it. keep working.

but i dunno wad to do about that bitterness. i always just put it aside so that i can continue with life. i try to ignore what my dad's doing with his life and his money. i try to forget the hurtful things he say. after a long period of cooling down, i will down my guard and maybe even try to forgive him and give him another chance. but then when he acts up again, it just makes me hate him a little more (sometimes i even wonder how anyone can possibly hate another as deeply as i do him).

and still, the cycle keeps going on.

starblue SG

the answer to being truly happy may not lie entirely on money. but believe me, money is an essential part of it. when you dun have money problems, you dun have conflicts over money.

life is practical. it boils down to what you have, what you dun have, and what you want to have.

fudgester SG

Hi SB,

I can't say that I can totally empathise with your situation, but I don't think it's a stretch to say that my experience comes close. Back during the time period Sec 3 - JC2, my family was having serious financial difficulties. Simply put, my dad quit his regular job to go into some business which didn't do all that well.

You should have seen how stick-thin I was at that time. Where I'm 61kg now, I was a much lighter 46kg (in Sec 4) and 53kg (in JC2), and my height hasn't changed by much. I often had to make the choice between buying food and buying lecture notes. Guess which one I bought.

And on top of that, my dad could actually accuse my mom of intentionally forbidding me from eating. And he would constantly jeer at me and look down on me for being 'slow and stupid'. Never mind that I was slogging through school while he was lazing in front of the TV half the time.

And yeah.... I don't think I really want to go into how he would bully me every I got bullied... lots of bad memories. According to his twisted point of view, I got bullied because I was weak - and he was not proud of having such a weakling for a son.

In the end, it affected me very badly - physically and psychologically. I had at times considered giving up and quitting school. But what stopped me from doing that was the notion that if I did that, he would win. And I had to have faith that things would get better.

And luckily for me, things did get better. He finally woke up his bloody ideas and found a regular job. And he started to go easy on me - though at times, he would go back to his old self and try to put me down. And I entered the army - where I actually ate much better than at home. I gained weight during BMT in fact.

I won't lie and say that things are perfect for me now - I've had to take out 100% loans from Mendaki and DBS to finance my tuition fees, and I've had to give tuition to my cousins for my pocket money. But on the bright side of things, it is still far preferable to the past.

About your dad's loans.... what I can say is this. If there's one thing that I've learnt from this current semester, it would be this:

Do NOT let irresponsible people make you feel responsible for their actions.

It's high time for you to put your foot down and make it clear to him that his debts are his responsibilities and not yours. Go and get the rest of your family and present this unified stand to him. The only debts that you should clear are your study loans, which (as I can understand), are pretty substantial already.

As a final word, remember that even parents can be wrong, and it would be up to you to help them see the error of their mistakes. On my part, the only truly slow and stupid thing I ever did in my life was to actually believe my dad when he said that I was slow and stupid. It just took me a long time to realise that.

So now perhaps it's time to get your dad to realise that.

God bless and good luck.

NeverSayGoodBye SG

.....well comparing in terms monetary or material stuffs is still comparing. Must remember that your friends might have the riches but you have the resilience. You have the chance to learn and know how tough you're. Your friends don't even understand what the word surviving means. Take away their supports they might panic like a frighten chichen. I am not afraid to say that for what you had gone through, you have more inner strength than them. This are something money cannot buy.

Learn to accept your situation mah, as no matter how you rant, you know that things will not change right? Must well focus on how to make things better for yourself. If your friend felt uncomfortable coming to your house, it just show that what kind of person they are, ignorant freak or princess snobbish. True friend will accept who you 're even if you live in a cave.

Take heart that you're not the only one who is paying through your own education. I am sure in your mind you hope to have a better life and future right? then something gotta give, that is to sacrifice first, the fruit you taste next time will be much sweeter.

In the meantime, try to get supports from friends in campus, outside campus, church memebers or anywhere else you can think of. Talk and share your problems with them, you feel much better. Fyi, even rich people also worry about money.

.....As for your family, i can understand, i myself grew up in a house of misery. Many times i moved out, but realised that the problems were still with me. Running away from problems is not the anwser. The only way is to deal with it directly. It seems like your dad is very stubbon, soft approach won't do him any good. The more you try to reason or discuss with him he will feel more needed and thought you all are panderig to him. Take away this privilege, it's time to crack your whip!! Do the hard way, ignore him totally, put him in cold storage, let him do whatever he want until he got into deep trouble and come begging for help. Maybe can get someone from church to counsel him.

remember that your dad's problem is also your problem as long as he is alive.

BadzMaro SG

mmmmm ~~

browniebaobao SG

stand on ur own feet.

at least u stay in a 4-room flat.

why dun u compare yourself with those staying in 1-room? Rolling Eyes

sheng zai fu zhong bu zhi fu.

starblue SG

Rolling Eyes

MooKu SG

When people don’t deliver, stop expecting.

LazerLordz SG

It's only human to be weak at times.

I think what Blue wants is to have people understand why she feels that way.

Devil1976 SG

There're so many unfair things in this world. Just have to live with it.

the.owl SG

sometimes i feel if I had been born in a rich family, I would of become some sort of superstar(artistic and athletic talent to receive special training) or successful business man(money to invest in own business) by now….. sian

BadzMaro SG

who here dont wish to be born rich ~ lol!

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