General Humour

last SG · 2002-07-31T19:27:18+00:00

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, h...

bara_cuda SG

(#1)

Rules for buying a man a gift:

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK." "By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stinkthey are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include any big name hardware, tire, lumber and home improvement stores. (Any auto-parts store is also a great men's store. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cookbut they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a baseball, football or ice hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know whyplease refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like 100 feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

(#2)

The Secrets of Women's Language : Keywords and their meaning.

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."

Go ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine."

Go ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing."

Soft sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and used in conjunction with a raised-eyebrow "go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "that's okay."

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different than "thanks." A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing."

Shadow_R SG

Wah, contribute also don't need to vommit all out like that mah!! Shocked

Anyway, the following joke I received is purely fictional. Any relation to any person is purely coincidental... Mr. Green

"What do you think about getting a puppy?" the wife asked her husband.

"What?" he replied.

"A puppy... Something new and small to love," she continued. "My mothering instinct is taking over."

"'Mothering instinct'? 'Mothering instinct?'" the husband repeated incredulously. "Mother me, damn it! Learn how to cook!"

Shadow_R SG

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

bara_cuda SG

Originally posted by Shadow_R:
Wah, contribute also don't need to vommit all out like that mah!!

Anyway, the following joke I received is purely fictional. Any relation to any person is purely coincidental...

[b]"What do you think about getting a puppy?" the wife asked her husband.

"What?" he replied.

"A puppy... Something new and small to love," she continued. "My mothering instinct is taking over."

"'Mothering instinct'? 'Mothering instinct?'" the husband repeated incredulously. "Mother me, damn it! Learn how to cook!"

[/b]

Tsk Tsk

Shadow_R SG

An old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"

"Right here at your side, my love."

"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"What, none of you assholes are minding the store?"

Shadow_R SG

"When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Shadow_R SG

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Shadow_R SG

Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

Shadow_R SG

NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line answer to the couch potato.

SITCOM:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks

bara_cuda SG

Question: What is a bastard exactly?
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,
"What is a bastard?"
And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and
inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing
is that a picture is worth a thousand words.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of
a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

bara_cuda SG

Memo from Director General to Manager :
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun.This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day

Shadow_R SG

Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, with a gun in his hand.

The speeder looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

Shadow_R SG

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

bara_cuda SG

You know you are a singaporean when

1. You've lost your sense of irony, sarcasm and cynicism.
2. You think there's nothing wrong with putting chilli sauce on everything you eat.
3. You wait for instructions from people in authority before doing anything.
4. You join queues without knowing or caring what the queue is for.
5. You can type an SMS on your phone as quickly as you would if you had a regular keyboard.
6. Your idea of a good night out consists of having dinner at a hawker centre, drinking beer, and then going to another hawker centre and eating again.
7. You've lost your ability to criticize people in higher positions than you, even if they're wrong.
8. You would buy a $20 product you don't need if it's on sale for $10 just to save the money.
9. You forget to say the last consonant in words like "faCT", "aTE", etc.
10. Every task you take on and every group you form is incomplete without a mission statement and a cheesy slogan.
11. "Crossing the country" means taking the MRT to the end of the line.
12. You don't just know what "kiasu" means, you have become it!
13. You would cross the entire country all day to find the places that make the perfect fried noodles, roti prata, ice kacang or chilli crab. And none of these places would be close to each other.
14. You have a high tolerance for nagging.
15. You know most or all of these acronyms and they make sense to you: NUS;NTU; ERP; SDU; PAP; MRT; LKY; GST; PRC; TIBS; SBS; SMS; JB; JBJ; AMK;AYE;PIE; ECP; BKE; ISD; ISA; SIA, 5C's; NSTB; PWD; HDB; SGH; NUH; CPF; SGX;MAS; CHIJMES; SPG; CWO...
16. You think that $100,000 is a reasonable price for a Toyota Corolla and $1,000,000 is a bloody cheap for a bungalow, BUT $5 for a plate of fried noodles is a barbarous outrage.
17. You believe that not being able to get decent roti prata outside Singapore is enough to keep the best and the brightest people from leaving.
18. You see nothing wrong with forming committees of select elite people to deliberate and study ways to stimulate creativity and spontaneity.
19. You justify every argument with the phrase "in order for us to be competitive in the 21st century".
20. You think everything should be "topped up".
21. You see nothing unusual about Trade Unions spending more time owning and operating supermarkets, drugstores, amusement parks, nightclubs, and financial services outlets rather than planning for its members who are laid off or the next strike.
22. You wear winter clothes indoors and summer clothes outdoors.
23. You're not confused by a street naming system that locates streets like Clementi Road, Clementi Street, Clementi Crescent, Clementi Lane, Clementi Drive, Clementi Way, and Clementi Avenues 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and all within walking distance of each other.
24. You get irritated if you don't see a sign telling you how long your wait is going to be for a bus, a train, or the expressway to take you where you want to go.
25. You believe shopping, shopping and shopping is the best hobby you can ever have.
26. When you cross the border into Malaysia, you automatically and deeply fear for your life and your wallet. Especially your wallet!!
27. You don't have a problem with four different direct payment systems spread out over seven different cards in your wallet.
28. You forgot what chewing gum tastes like.
29. You say "handphone", not "mobile", and you think there's no such
thing as a handphone that's too thin.
30. You have discussion and bitching sessions amongst your friends and
fellow citizens on the important issues concerning your livelihood and welfare but do not say anything to the correct authorities.
31. You believe you're the first to implement anything which you haven't
heard of before and you are the best in anything just because you're better
than Malaysia, Thailand or Indonesia.
32. You think you almost have it all in life when you own a car, a condo
& a few credit cards.
33. You laugh at people being so singaporean and then quickly hang the
national flag in August before National Day in case you get fined.
34. Eating nasi lemak, mee pok ta, mee soup, carrot cake or fishball
soup for breakfast is regular. Opps, you don't understand regular! You only
know what is 'normal'.
35. You criticised the government all day long but at the end of the day,
you only vote for one party!

bara_cuda SG

On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On a Korean kitchen knife: WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

bara_cuda SG

The Men Have Had Enough
So Fucking True!
-If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
-Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
-If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
-Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
-Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
-If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
-Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or power tools.
-Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
-Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.
-When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
-You have enough clothes.
-You have too many shoes.
-Crying is blackmail.
-Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
-No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
-Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
sometimes.
-Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
-Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
-Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
-A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
-Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
-Check your oil.
-It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
-Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
-If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
-Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
-You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
-Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
-ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
-If it itches, it will be scratched.
-If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
-What the fnck is a doily?

bara_cuda SG

Old joke but very funny

One Of A Kind
Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.
On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, 'Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet. ' Mahathir asked, 'Yes, but how do you know that they are able?' PM Goh replied, Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. They don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.'
Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, 'Hey Tony, come over here.' Tony obediently walked briskly over. PM Goh asked, 'Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?'
Tony Tan immediately replied, 'Me! Of course.' PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, 'See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try.' Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him, 'Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's son ?' Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer
After a while, he recovered and said, 'Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow.' Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help.
Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer. When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, 'Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?' Clinton, very busy, replied, 'Alright, but it better be good!' Anwar quickly asked, Tell me, who is your father's son ?'
Clinton was fuming, 'Of course its me, you stupid!' and he slammed the phone down
Satisfied that he got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said, 'Boss, I've got the answer to your question.'
Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, 'So tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar?' Anwar confidently replied, 'It''s BILL CLINTON!'
Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, No you stupid! It's TONY TAN!'

Shadow_R SG

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. So he went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier!"

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place."

"I'm not in Heaven."

Shadow_R SG

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, (M - Man, W - Woman)

M - "Hello?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M - "What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

M - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

M - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $60,000..."

M - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

M - "What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

M - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

M - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

M - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?"

Shadow_R SG

An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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