General Humour

last SG · 2002-07-31T19:27:18+00:00

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, h...

bara_cuda SG

My friend lives in Hougang Ave 8. One evening he went to town for a movie
with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting
very late.
He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark and creepy that nite. As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking street peddlar selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when he noticed this pale old guy staring at him. The old guy said, "Son, why don't you get a book ... it will keep you company". My friend acted brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection ... his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?" The old guy replied, "Well son ... that's an interesting book ...it's $25." My f! riend was shocked and said "But ... but ... that's so expensive..."
The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He
quickly rummaged through his pockets and found $20. "T-t-this's all I have"
he said. The old guy replied, "It's okay, son .... you can've the book for
that price." As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the
old man called out to him and said, "Son ... whatever happens, don't you
ever flip the book to it's last page ... remember these words ...or you
will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, "Dad ... mom ... are there
any new booksellers nearby?"
"Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a creepy old man that appears
only at nite during a full moon and then disappears just as
mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he comes from but many have become victims in his wake..! . why son?"
"N-nothing ... just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his
room.
Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep. At midnite, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages of the book to its last page!!!!! For awhile, he laid in bed - frozen in fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on the last page.Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book. As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and fainted ........
This is what he read on the last page:
..
..
..
Retail Price : $ 10.99
Promotional Price : $ 5

bara_cuda SG

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."

bara_cuda SG

QUESTION :
What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
ANSWER : Ang-mor fairy tales begin with ...
"Once upon > a time..."
and Hokkien fairy tales begin with .....
"Lim Peh ka li kong..."

bara_cuda SG

IT jokes
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it
under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is
next to the door. But that's a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
**********
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task
list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
**********
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax
the document back to the sender when I was finished
with it, because he needed to keep it.
**********
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet
onto this disk for me?"
**********
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
**********
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the
File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of
the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.
I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I
don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the
'little picture' of filing cabinet...is 'little
picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
**********
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to
reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said
before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't
work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do
that?"
**********
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer
was having problems: the bottom half of her printed
sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that
the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I
walked her through the basics, then went over and
printed out a test sheet.
It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she
sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming
out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her
to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem
solved.
**********
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's
Deskjet division for about a month when I had a
customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly
baffled me because the only true colors are cyan,
magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and
yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the
rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the
customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing
worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no
new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about
to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for
repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing
on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
paper?"
**********
And another user was all confused about why the cursor
always moved in the opposite direction from the
movement of the mouse. She also complained that the
buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so
the tail pointed away from her.
**********
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access
Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out
he was typing his username and password in capital
letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower
case letters."
Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my
keyboard."
**********
Email from a friend:
" CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyK
eyboard?"
**********
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet
afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front
of one of the workstations with her arms crossed
across her chest, staring at the screen. After about
15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same
position, only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied
"It's about time! I pressed the F 1 button over twenty
minutes ago!"

bara_cuda SG

Damn funny

A Letter From Mama.
This is really crude...but funny!!
Letter to Son:
Dear Son, Vahe Ravi.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you can't read
fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address as the last Singh who
stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so
that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure it works too well, I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week.
The first it rain for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send you in the mail with all the buttons so
we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we
don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come
up again.
Your father has a new job. He has 500 men under him. He is
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether
it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or
Uncle.
Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck.
One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got
out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The others drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate down.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love
Mom
P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
Already sealed.

bara_cuda SG

Stupid Rules & people
1. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
2. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
3. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
4. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
5. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
6. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
7. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
8. Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
9. Several years ago, an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
10. Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

Shadow_R SG

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Shadow_R SG

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He was really struggling, so she began pulling and him pushing. The boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."

Shadow_R SG

Life Explained...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That
makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Shadow_R SG

Some facts of life:

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a goodcook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so are thunder and lightning.

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law,
Get one who knows the judge.

A man owes his success to his first wife;
and his second wife to his success.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.

Shadow_R SG

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!

Shadow_R SG

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. Youll see, youll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. Youll see, youll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little shit makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time hes on ecstasy!"

Shadow_R SG

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, Honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet.

Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"

Shadow_R SG

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."

Shadow_R SG

A 'Husband Shopping Centre' was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor,you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: 'These men have jobs and love kids.' The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking'. "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.' "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.' "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: 'This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!'

Shadow_R SG

GOOD - BAD - WORSE

How many of us can differentiate between Good-Bad-Worse????

Here are the examples........

* Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
* Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
* Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
* Worse: You're in them.

* Good: Your husband understands fashion.
* Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
* Worse: He looks better than you.

* Good: Your son's finally maturing.
* Bad: He is involved with the woman next door.
* Worse: So are you.

* Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
* Bad: She keeps interrupting.
* Worse: With corrections.

* Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
* Bad: She wants a divorce.
* Worse: She's a lawyer.

Shadow_R SG

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank tellers cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the planes engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I dont know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earths surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?"

Shadow_R SG

All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back a credit card.

Shadow_R SG

An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. There was the sound of a loud kiss and then sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face rubbing a large, red welt.

The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got
slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

Shadow_R SG

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never crashed.

P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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