Originally posted by _n00b_:
Almost every inch was filled cancel the
words herewith clothes. That old luggage of mine was so full
that it might explode anytime. I was
trying my very best to make use of every single inch that the old luggage
can contain. The thought of travelling outside my homeland for the first
time is making me go crazy. The highly excited me was jumping
around like a monkey which just could not wait for the time to
depart for the vacation.
It was finally time to carry our big and packed bags into the van. My uncle double
checked that everything
required was brought along. This
is the beginning of my journey outside my homeland for the first time. Rays of the
sun shone down fiercely
on my uncle's car while
the then gentle wind of the
air-conditioner caressed(how can an air conditioner "blow your
face? 
)
our faces. delete "sky was clear"-- no connection
this sentence is rephrased
below. The thought of the
cool theme park, wonderful food and
great climate Genting offered raced through my mind.
i heardthe air temperature of
Genting is as cooling(cold is preety
negative) as the temperature in my uncle's cardeleted.
We passed the causeway which divided Singapore and Malaysia to take a break in a restaurant. The
restaurant was quite dirty but as we could not find any other decent places
to eat, hence we ate there. After
eating, we continued our journey
and were finally able to reach our
destination, Genting.i feel that this
whole paragraph is irrelevant and should be deleted
After we booked in into a hotel room, I was stuck inside the washroom for quite
sometime. It was not because
of their washroom being nice, but due
to a stomachache I[color=green] was having [/color]. I felt
very ill that day and my uncle brought me deleted a doctor. The search for a doctor deletedtook
quite a long time as we were unfamiliar with the
place.
After the doctor's injection, i
slept in the hotel and that was
how i spent my first day outside
Singapore. When i was asleep, my
uncle went to the casino and(cancel this
"and") without me as I was
underage. Another reason was because I
could not leave my bed and
so he took the chance to go
there.
When(its concurrent)
I woke up, I felt so energized that I [color=green]could[/color] take down a
tiger! Maybe this energy was stored deleted when I was
resting. There was
one thing on my mind -- The Theme Park. I got[color=green] into[/color] my outfit and
went off to the hotel lobby without my uncledeleted. The exit of the hotel,(cancel this "comma") was open and
I saw something I had never expected.
[/b]
Major restruring needed for the
remainding paras.
the themepark looks like its the main thing, but its not given
enough emphasis. put in the emotional aspect(teachers love it &
it makes the compo more interesting)Put more emphasis on the theme
park thing.
and, be extra careful with your tenses, lots of errors spotted.
Should be in past tense.
I not english teacher, so mayb will have errors in my corrections
