Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic,
or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring.
The Twelve Commandments of Flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your
lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard
of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by
using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case
of penis envy."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the
Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all
holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post
everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're a sh??head. There's obviously a
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a
favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like
the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always
considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the
wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me.
See you in court, Bertha."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus
states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should
demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on
Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua
franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad
nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fettuccini alfredo."
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
the word 'premeiotic' ."
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an
American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as
guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to
limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a
communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your
opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe,
you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY
DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules,
remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a
Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who
is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart
your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well,
your mother does strange things with vegetables."
