got this from an email:
>'Memo'
>
>
> To all Employees:
>
>Effective January 2006
>
>Dress Code
>1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary.
>If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume
>you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay
raise.
>2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better,
>so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a pay
>raise.
>3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be
and
>therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
>Sick Days
>We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of
sickness.
>If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
>
>Holiday Days
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>Compassionate Leave
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements.
>In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral
>should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you
>to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early.
>
>Toilet Use
>1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There
is now a
>strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
>2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper
>roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture
will be
>taken.
>3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on
the company
>notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
under the
>company's mental health policy.
>
>Lunch Break
>1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more so
>that they can look healthy.
>2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to
>maintain their average figure.
>3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the time
>needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer
>of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment
experience.
>Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
>irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations,
>contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
>
>Management
