The thing is that I suffered so much ard people. I can't stand
people that reminds me of my past or anything abt them that
triggered my anxiety and my high/low brain moods.
It's not fair for them and neither it is for me but that's how
my brain neurology works. And it doesn't help if someone also does
not like me at first sight. All these can only push me down
further (like what happened here and some of the previous jobs that
I worked)
Almost everyone I met either doesn't like me for my appearance,
attitude, disposition or anything else about me. In here, I
suffered every crap and ppl keep calling me fat, ugly and most
importantly, stupid.
How am I suppose to experience life when life (people) doesn't
like me, of course I seemed very inexperience in matters like that
and obviously got my great big anxiety and having no friends, and
all I have is my parents who help me alot in physical stuff but not
on emotional stuff.
It's not fair that a person that is not blessed in appearance,
EQ or whatever to get all the crap. I don't have friends so it's
obviously stupid of me to rely on a company to get 'friends' or
'emotional support' and this is how I gotten the sack and rumour
spread around.
I live a really lonely existence. How can I not be concern with
myself and of course people do not like me at all either by
appearance itself or the way I present myself.
I wanted to commit suicide many times because I can't see a
point in my almost useless existence. Losing jobs, failing school,
having crappy 'parents' or 'relatives' that discourage my every
movement.
All I have is a friend that is almost the same like me, but at
least her parents are good enough. I tell almost everyone about my
problems and they kept commenting that my life sounded so sad but
the fact that, it is.
So I can't help if I see something new or whatever (like people,
things or anything) in a workplace or anywhere. It's a culture
shock you see.
Also, the reason why I gotten the sack here is because I gotten
'bullied' really badly and reached the lower end of the spectrum
and also gotten too high at the beginning of the spectrum and
obviously and naturally I got kicked out/fired.
I mean why am I getting called out for being fat, ugly or even
stupid when it is only an entry level job? If I am soooo good, I
would not be here in the first place. People abused me because they
didn't like me at first sight or else I would get into a shock when
I see certain people that triggered my anxiety attacks or else I
would get really sad/insecure when I see certain ppl and one of the
colleague here sense it and would abuse me really badly. I see
other people with disgust too and well, when they see me with
disgust, I would get the abuse instead. Especially so done with all
the full timers and some of the part timers here and the higher
management too....I don't understand why I was used as a punching
bag? Probably because I failed so why can't they fire me
instead?
Entry level jobs are so toxic, it's crazy. But I am not that
good academically either so how? This is not about winning but I
don't know how to survive out there in the world, honestly
speaking.
Is money an issue for you, as in you need an X amount of monthly
salary to survive? If not, why not consider working in a non-profit
organisation? The pay would naturally be lower than typical
companies, but generally, the people working there are easier to
work with, as there is less stress on profits and customers. The
pace would be slower, so you can gradually grow more assured of
yourself.
Find organisations with more uncles and aunties if you can, as
they may be more accommodating to your situation. Not all youths
and young adults around your age are matured enough or have
enough life experiences to accommodate your current emotional
state, if you work along-side them as colleagues. Of course, you
have to do your part as well. If you feel you offend people
whenever you speak, then talk less, listen more, smile more. :)
Focus on being capable enough to handle simple jobs first. When
you find your confidence growing, things will naturally improve in
your life. Finding more genuine friends other than the one you
currently have is of lower priority. Build up your self-confidence
first ya. You can do it, but you must want to help
yourself.
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
