Married but thinking of another man

jojobeach SG

Humans are complicated beings.

Within us, not just love or hate.

What you have for that man are lust and fantasies ( the millions of "wat ifs" ).

It is not his choice to stop pursuing you, but because you had made your decision when you accepted the proposal.

Even if you had wanted to continue the affair after your marriage, he would not. For in his eyes, you are no longer a woman worth pursuing. A woman who cheats and tempts others while promising herself to another is but a whore. Can he love a whore ? Obviously not.

You love your husband because you need him. What has your husband done to you to deserve such infidelity?

To desire is human, but the reality is that you may end up with nothing should you continue down this path. For vanity always come at a price. Can you afford ?

soul_rage SG

We weren't just merely attracted to each other. We had feelings and cared for each other, and have shed tears for each other before.

Honestly, if he had chosen to fight for me, bulldoze his way in and made me choose between he or my then-bf when he learnt that I was proposed to, I think there is a chance I might have picked him over my hubby.

But I honestly can't be sure.. While he and I really feel greatly for each other, I have more real life dating experience with my hb. So my hb feels like a much safer choice.

I fought for my wife's heart, and I won. There were 3 other guys then, but I fought for her heart knowing that I am the one for her, the one to make her happy. And I won.

Simply put, if the guy did not fight for you, there's no point in harping over it. It only shows that he isn't serious enough to fight. If he had been in contact with you for 8 years, and he did not even attempt to get into a serious relationship with you, then that's enough said.

Giving up may look like the guy is a gentleman, but it may also mean that the guy is not serious, or also that the guy is a coward. It's really how you interpret it.

And from what I read in your postings, you are merely dreaming up the best things to think about him, because in your real-life, you have some issues which you do not like to face.

No marriage is ever a complete bed of roses. Even though my wife and I love each other dearly, we do fight sometimes. But that's part of life. Also, doesn't mean that just coz I think her father is a dumbass, means I think of other gals.

I am still in contact with 2 gals whom I had feelings before, and whom my wife knows about and she knows they are my good friends. During my conversations today with either of these gals, we acknowledged that we had feelings in the past for each other, but because life is a case of grasped (and lost) opportunities, and we never attempted to get into a relationship, the opportunity has gone by, and there is no point in harping over it.

Instead, we are the best of friends today, and I am very open to my wife about it. She is also in contact with some of those guys who liked her in the past, and they are good friends to this day.

Fcukpap SG

its so commonplace but lesser revealed and hidden by "closet cinderellas" and the society/ system that puts the blame solely on the men...

keep gratifying as part of your rights...feel good as the system condones it

littlemissbonkers SG

I pity your husband.

The poor guy married a self-centered bimbo.

Arapahoe SG

I feel that i am reading Part 2 of the thread of my Boy friend's best friend is a "She".............

Just make up your mind !!!!

Genie99a SG

I think you should not have married in the first place since you have no idea about love. I'm pretty sure that you are selfish and love yourself only.

Because if you had loved your husband you would not have wanted to hurt him. Instead your immediate need was to "feel loved" and you cannot be left alone to yourself.

To fullfill your emotional needs you should have spent more effort in communicating with your partner overseas. That can help alleviate your problem. Instead having no self restrain you chose a human cucumber.

Personally you are pretty lousy wife material. To have you as a partner is embaressing to say the least.

Kind Regards

Genie

the_fallen SG

TS: Based on what I've read to-date, it seems clear to me that you are clearly missing out on something..

The fact that you are experienced in dating, considered your present hubby for financial/emotion stability as a factor..you are right..

But perhaps it may be due to you being more experienced in dating that you have ignored or didn't realized that all along, you and the other guy who have conversations but no physical intimate behavior belongs to one unique relatioship - soulmate which you might not have realized.

Based on what I experienced, observed and learn, ladies tend to look for bf/husband than confine in a soulmate who can be of the opposite gender. This is a deeper kind of friendship which often gives both genders the illusions of possibility of getting into relationship; but it isn't to begin with.

You situation has some similiarities with what I had in the past, just that in my case, you reminds me of my female friend whom I got to know from online who I thought could be my soul-mate..talking about anything..

But with time, I realized that she was not mentally mature nor have straighten out her thoughts yet..thus I rather stop contacting her, lose a soul-mate whom I feel happy to know of than to encourage her to meet other guys despite the fact that she's attached few years into the friendship.

The key with that guy drawing the line clearly and stop contacting you is primarily due to respect of you, and guys' principles (gentleman) for not wanting to get into a messy situation (which may affect their own track-record of a gentleman) that kind of thinking..rationale is how such guys draw clear lines..which ladies who are emotional often failed in terms of this aspect..

Which is why both genders can rebut and say it is possible to love this person and yet think of another person..but this is in fact a confusion of that individual who doesn't clearly know what he/she really wants.

I hope you now have a clearer picture of why some guys stop contacting at some point of time.

fallen

ShrodingersCat SG

It's just a habit...

After a guy has been around long enough. through a few relationships that didn't work out..

the guy sort of occupies a convenient place in your life,never close enough to start being irritating, just close enough to be dependent on when your current squeeze disappoint you in any way.

For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)

But now you are bored, emotional and physical needs are not fulfilled, you long for the convenience of having this emotional crutch in your life, so you think of him lor. Like a drug habit u know - easy to 'slip' backwards.

My advice? Kick the habit and learn to be more independent.

Phantomnite SG

I fought for my wife's heart, and I won. There were 3 other guys then, but I fought for her heart knowing that I am the one for her, the one to make her happy. And I won.

Giving up may look like the guy is a gentleman, but it may also mean that the guy is not serious, or also that the guy is a coward. It's really how you interpret it.

And from what I read in your postings, you are merely dreaming up the best things to think about him, because in your real-life, you have some issues which you do not like to face.

Instead, we are the best of friends today, and I am very open to my wife about it. She is also in contact with some of those guys who liked her in the past, and they are good friends to this day.

Hanor hanor, I also fought for my gf. If the guy is really true to you. They will pia all the way to reach out to you. There is a new shop at Heeren, i think is ALT? lol. Jap shop. There is a sex toy shop, the way they sell is don't make it look very sleezy, maybe you can try going there with your gfs to get a toy or two.

Rainbow Jigsaw SG

Message only to TS, not any other forumers, as her case is unique for her only, and outsiders won't understand her true feelings and lifeplan. I may not say the same thing for someone else in a supposedly similar situation.

TS,

There is a reason why you feel so strongly and connected towards "the other guy", yet you're married to your husband. In our 'modern' world, everyone is expected to behave and live according to 1-size-fits-all instructions prescribed for everyone, whether they are for our highest good or not. And that is what often ruins many people's lives and happiness.

Without anyone telling you what to do, spend enough quiet time on your own, just you alone. You can go to somewhere you like, eg. beach, or stay in your room, as long as you're totally alone, free of external influences on your mind. Picture your future, 5, 10, 20 years ahead. Who do you see spending your life happily with? What do you feel when you imagine that future? Can you picture the same future with the other man you did not see initially?

You need to understand yourself better, then you can live your life without regrets, whether it's with your current husband, "the other guy", some other guy you meet in future, or even nobody at all as you may finally decide to be alone. If you are not living happily, the other person in your life will also suffer.

Rainbow Jigsaw of Life

BlueBlack Pie SG

dun becum like tat wat xie ming ming hor...

binZ SG

JerryJan SG

We weren't just merely attracted to each other. We had feelings and cared for each other, and have shed tears for each other before.

I also got same experience be4 i married

broke off with bf of 3 yrs to marry new bf known for only 3 mths

u can pm me for further advices

Genie99a SG

I also got same experience be4 i married

broke off with bf of 3 yrs to marry new bf known for only 3 mths

u can pm me for further advices

Yar.... if lucky can have another affair too :)

Kind Regards

Genie

CutePenguin SG

To TS : get over it and just be with ur husband. Try to put urself in ur husband's shoes will ya ? Your selfishness may bring the downfall to this marriage , in short , I think you are so wrapped in your own deluded bubble. Married and thinking of another guy , oh come on , give your husband a break ya -_- went tru all that trouble to get married and now u are doing crap to him

Thinkingofyou SG

It's just a habit...

After a guy has been around long enough. through a few relationships that didn't work out..

the guy sort of occupies a convenient place in your life,never close enough to start being irritating, just close enough to be dependent on when your current squeeze disappoint you in any way.

My advice? Kick the habit and learn to be more independent.

I would like to correct the following said: "For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)"

I did not have the choice of having an exclusive relationship with him. We were never in the same country physically. I'd highly dispute against "wasn't good enough" because he was most definitely was. We have a lot in common and I do believe if we met under different circumstances, we would be married.

Yes I always tell and question myself, that if he had felt more for more, he would have "fought for me", and told me to not accept or to rescind the proposal back here and he would have agreed to meet me and flown back here and swept me off my feet. And he did not do that. Instead, he stood by and was ready to back off and let me get married.

If I had meant more to him, he won't have minded or cared that we met in unusual circumstances or that he would have to explain to his friends how he met this girl whom he knew for so long but did not really meet.

mochi_cake SG

If I know the person is attached, I will be asking her to make a choice on who to choose.

I have worked many years overseas and have seen my japanese and korean colleagues having a wild time while their spouses are back in their home country. Due to the MCP nature of Japanese and Korean societies, the guys have their say.

I have given my commitment to the girl I love, from time to time my previous girls will look up for me. I will just chat with them for a while but I will not go any step further, such as meeting one-on-one with them or having too deep emotional attachment with them. It's dangerous. Once we get emotionally attached, it's easy for us to make the wrong moves once we are feeling down (e.g. having quarrels with our spouse).

Relationships have become more complicated in our modern society. It is even more important for us to keep our promise and trust to our another half. 30% of marriages in Singapore ended up in divorce and this is an upward trend. Will reach 50% just like the European countries in a few years.

In a relationship we will have to give and take, sometimes accommodating another half. Since we have to see through it till the end. If we bring in a third party, it will always end up in disaster. It is especially bad for ladies (as compared to men). Normally people are more forgiving to guys having affairs than to ladies. So before you give your promise to accept the other party and no one else, choose and decide wisely. Once you have decided, it's hard to break the commitments especially if there are children involved.

Phantomnite SG

I really don't know what you are thinking from your replies.

On one hand, you say you love your husband, on the other hand, you say you have feelings for the guys. Accepted that we do have that circumstances where we fall in love with 2 person, however, you must keep in mind that you are already married. Unless you want to head for a divorce, then please do it quick.

If you really love that guy, I believe you would have left your husband and went after him instead.

Right now, you have already acknowledged all the "if he had done that" scenarios, you would have fled to the other end of the world with him. Please wake up, he did not do all these.

Whether you want to start anew in your marriage with your husband or not, it all boils down to personal self-control. If you want, please cut off all contacts with that guy since you know he would be interfering your process of mending your love for your husband. If you don't, then please release your husband from being a future-cuckoo.

Presently, if you husband knows about this post. He will be quite aware that he have married a shell without fillings. Not very fair to him since he have invested his future in you. Spare a thought for your husband. If you are selfish, then accumulate merits and separate from your husband.

I might be harsh with my words, but from what you have posted, you sound as if you are using your husband as a back up for your emotional needs.

Fugazzi SG

TS : Intuitively this is your predicament.

Muse over this

A man is at the bar n another man walks up to him n asks him, "Are you Ernie Smith?"
The man says, 'yes"
The man then says, 'Were you in Boston a few days ago?'
Ernie says, "Just a min," n from his bag takes out a notebook, turns some pages, and then says, "Yes, I was a few days ago."
The man says, "Were you in rm 5?"
Ernie looks into his notebook n says, "Yes."
The man says, "Did you meet Mrs.Dorothy in rm 6?"
Ernie scans his eyes on his notebook n replies, "Yes."
The man says, "Tell me, did you make love to Mrs Dorothy?"
Ernie looks into notebook again, says, "Yes, I made love to Mrs. Dorothy."
The man says, "Well, I'm Dorothy's spouse n I don't like it."
Again, Ernie looks in his notebook and utters, "You know, that's funny. I didn't like it either."

This is what hearing is all about. One agrees perfectly, but one hears only what one wants to hear; one understands only what one wants to understand.

I cannot make you wrong nor can i make u rite. Life is a flux n it is not cast in stone! That is being un-nice.

Ps - Hence my earlier posting that being SELF-honest .... one can rationalize, delude, and justify but it does not detract nor does it cancel out one IS

Thinkingofyou SG

This view should give you a clue to what you are experiencing.

You have been on that grass on the other side, and you saw that the grass on this side is safer. So you chose this side and now yearn for the other side.

If you spend as much time with the other man as you spend with your husband, you will also begin to quarrel with him (the other man), and start thinking of the other man (your present husband).

The feeling you have for the man is an erotic desire. And this comes about when you are frustrated. Frustration comes about when you do not get what you want. And this erotic desire present a sensual pressure on your body and triggers your desire for gratification, which is met in the form memories and fantasy. But it is not enough, you desire reality. This is compelling you to act in the direction of re-living your unusual affair.

Er... I suggest you indulge in some self gratification until your husband comes back.

Thanks for your advice. You made the most sense in the whole thread. I have been told by friends that I am revisiting the fantasy of this man due to my loneliness.

Is it really? Perhaps. I believe other man and I are soulmates. he may be ashamed of his looks and thinks he's ugly but my feelings for him are so beyond appearances. we have the same faith and sense of humour and he's the only guy I know who recognises the breed of my pet immediately through a picture (I have a rare and unique pet), which none of my 'real' bf do, and he's a sagi (while I'm a leo) and we even have the same favorite number.

I pray that I will run into him one day (perhaps in a work or social meeting) and achieve the closure I need. when I think of him now, I do feel quite hurt that he chose to forsake me the way he did and just ended our contact and "relationship" when he believed I was getting married.

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