A sexless marriage

last SG · 2010-05-19T16:03:17+00:00

Sex is part of marriage -> when come to this kind of topic that will greatly affect the self-interest and benefits of guys, I will see many guys becoming...

Sexless SG

@jojobeach

I understand the reason for posting harsh comments on me but I did not marry my wife because she is a virgin. According to the points I have posted on the 1st page, my wife was no longer a virgin prior to being married.

I have read through all the comments and suggestions given in this thread and did some self reflection and analysis of my relationship with my wife. I think my wife is happy with me, simply because whenever I meet her for dinner after work, she would give me a warm smile and hug. Also, our communication is good, we laugh together at things, watch Nat Geo once in awhile and always make the effort to go out for nice dinners. I plan to make an appointment with a sexologist after my Greece trip and I would like to update the outcome of it here, perhaps it might help someone else looking in this thread.

I would like to add more details about the sexual relationship between my wife and myself and also our reasons for the abortion and the unreadiness to have kids now. (We plan to have kids 1-2 years down the road)

I'll touch on the abortion part first. When my wife was pregnant, she was not ready to start a family yet because she was in the midst of advancing in her career and her efforts in her own interest (can't say what it is) is paying off in both publicity and finance. I was not really ready for a family at that time because I was in the first year of university and I feel that it will have an impact on my wife. Actually, we were not strongly against having a baby but my wife and I have both discussed that we were not ready to provide a condusive environment for the baby. We made a quick decision because we do not want to wait till the baby develops consciousness before making a decision.

After the abortion, we went through some counselling with the gynae and my wife took contraceptive pills for a few weeks. She complains that she feels depressed after taking the pills. So I asked her to stop taking the pills, although we did not have sex. We were both affected by that abortion incident which might be the reason why we did not have sex for over a year(I did not attempt to have sex either).

Onto my wife's physical condition, I think part of the reason why she was afraid to engage in sex is because she developed UTI on a few occasions after intercourse. Also, her gynae commented that her vagina is shaped downwards instead of upwards, she did not comment specifically on how it will affect exccept that we should try different positions. My wife used to have Eczema which left some scars on her body, which shes says she feels not sexy about it but she gradually do not take notice of it through my encouragement. Recently, she developed some kind of fungus infection on her back, I helped her rub some anti fungus cream last night. She told me that she hopes that the fungus would go away soon so that she can do some night activities with me (I did not advance or hint in anyway to her about sex), I just hug her to sleep.

Actually, I think that my wife might be bisexual. She watches porn and she likes to see girls with big boobs. Sometimes she will joking say(I think) that if I manage to find a big boob sexy girl, don't forget to ask her along. I told her that a sexual relationship other than a heterosexual one is not a good idea because if I have sex with the other girl, it might have an emotional impact on both of us. Although she does not enjoy having sex with me now, she does enjoy watching me ejaculate in front of her, she finds it sexy.

As for having kids now, my wife still isn't ready for it. She says perhaps in 1-2 years time when she is ready to give up her career and her interest. As for me, I'm facing quite a number of issues that requires my attention. There are 2 important issues at hand. the 1st is that I need to help my brother with getting a job because he suffered and has recovered from bi-polar mania. 2nd is I am making a career switch so I feel I need 1 or 2 years to settle down in the new industry that I will be in. There are also a couple of concerns on my mind that puts me off from having a kid like the competitivesness of the contemporary society, a possible nuclear war etc. I just don't want my kid to suffer these things.

So I'll be the best I can for my wife this coming honeymoon to Greece and I'll update on the progress of our sexual relationship after a visit to a sexologist.

TTFU SG

I think better also consult a marriage counsellor also, just chat on the phone or go down personally alone of course. Best to keep it hush hush and not tell your wife. Consult on your problems, your views and her condition and see what to do for the next step. On your honeymoon trip, just treat it as a dating trip, nothing else. And yes woman have emotional needs, but men also have their sexual needs.

For society wise, it is always competitive and more and more competitive. Idono whats with the nuclear war cool story there. If you want to further talk about it, we can.

And as for people posting in here, just treat their comments with a pinch of salt. Some have their views, and maybe their personal experience affected their ability to give advice, and thus lead to flames.

dangerboi SG

There are a few inherent problems here....

dangerboi SG

There are a few points here that may have an indirect effect on your problem..

best of luck....

Dominque SG

Hmm.. its bit complicated i see...

Mayb the vagina shaping really kinda affected the ability to contract for sex n birth.. maby she will need a caecerian nxt time..

i understand the ezima thingy, but does she exercise quite regularly? exercise helps alot, when the body is healthy natural things like this comes.. Look at how some developing countries n how the women work alot physically, housework and workplace, rather than dormen lifestyles of women in countries like ours.. places like india.. they dont even feel much from giving birth, like its very natural, some freak stories of babies even droping into toilet bowls at subway trains n they didn even notice until they hear crying, den they realise they gave birth..

yea then mayb u can have a babies 1 or 2 years down the road, jus dont be too late.. there are -ve implicatns too.. Dont be afraid of nuclear war or wateva.. everything comes with a risk.. lifes would not be totally complete until u have gone thru that n have new experiences as a father n learn stuffs from there.

mancha SG

Seriously, I think you should not have any children.

Your wife and you should just strive your best at your careers for life.

For no better reason than a looming nuclear war, that would throw the world economy off.

As for sex, the only problem is you wanting sex. Other than that there is no problem. Your wife has a condition only, vaginismus.

When you did not know of her condition, ok, you were ignorant, and tried to push it and aggravated her condition. But when you know, you again aggraveted her condition by issuing a threat. Its no wonder that she has such a serious case of clamping shut. The aggravating causes goes: unknown cause in the begining, difficult penetration, abortion, career advancement, your attempts, your ultimatum, and suggestion of counselling. All these reinforces her condition. Plus a vagina thats shaped downwards. What do you think all these does to her psyche? Super clamp.

You know her condition. You love her. Think.

Using insomnia as an analogy, the more you try to sleep, the more sleep will elude you.

Same for vaginismus, go about your life without sex in the equation. That means no porn, no masturbation, no threats, or anything that would indicate she has a problem. Just go about as two dotting couple as during your courting days. Don't tell her she must go for counselling. Hint that that is a possibility, let her decide. This has to be for a prolonged period, many months perhaps, till she is comfortable with herself. Don't forget the maps and fungus on her skin, this contributes to the notion that she is ugly.

All these will only pave the way for the sex counsellor to get her to relax.

Btw, a vagina thats shaped downwards is nothing that some positioning can't fix. Heard of the doggie style?

But get her to feel comfortable with her body first.

jojobeach SG

@jojobeach

So I'll be the best I can for my wife this coming honeymoon to Greece and I'll update on the progress of our sexual relationship after a visit to a sexologist.

Sounds like a vaginal prolapse/relaxation to me. Frequent UTI, downward sloping vagina, painful sex/Dyspareunia.... etc

But didn't you mention in your previous post that her gynae checked her and said she was normal ?? You are contradicting yourself now. Or her gynae may not be trained in this sub-specialty.

Anyway.. if she is suffering from vaginal prolapse then she needs to see a Urogynecologist.

If the prolapse is mild, she can be prescribed estrogen replacement to help strengthen the muscles supporting the vagina.

If the prolapse is more severe, she can go for surgery.

As for her skin issues, is she seeking medical/dermatologist help ?Please do not use those creams you bought in general pharmacy. Potent fungal cream must be prescribed by the doctor, and the treatment can be lengthy.

As for her scars and skin condition affecting her self-image, it's understandable she feels self-conscious. I suggest you go with her to pick out some pretty lingerie and let her wear it during intimacy.. you don't have to convince her to feel good about being naked. Some times, women feels sexy during sex when she is not 100% naked.

Her clothes/lingerie are like her security blankets.

Just because you are ok with looking at her scars, doesn't mean she's ok with you seeing her "flaws".

Don't slight her feelings, ask her what she can do to feel good about herself and give her your 100% support. If she needs to wear a catwoman leather suit during intercourse.. then so be it.. let her.

FYI, you may not want to put off child bearing for too long.

A woman's egg deteriorates with age, and the condition of her womb will start to go downhill after 25. A lot of women puts off babies for career.. and end up having trouble holding the pregnancy.. or worst.. unable to conceive.

While you may think it's cheaper to hold off a baby now.. you may end up paying a lot more for fertility treatment that does not guarantee success.

Late pregnancy carries a lot of risk. No joke. There's a high percentage of miscarriages and fetal development problems.

It's always a dilema for a woman.. career or baby .. most women can't hve the best of both worlds.

Good luck.

Fcukpap SG

its sluts’ wish to enjoy your money in the name of “love”....

tell that bitch to F herself

Fcukpap SG

between family or career…dilemma?

maids are doing their work…and not the sluts

jojobeach SG

between family or career…dilemma?

maids are doing their work…and not the sluts

Until you can get pregnant, else you should keep that filthy man hole of yours shut and zipped with your filthy ass hair.

Are the moderators all sleeping ?

jojobeach SG

"Actually, I think that my wife might be bisexual. She watches porn and she likes to see girls with big boobs. Sometimes she will joking say(I think) that if I manage to find a big boob sexy girl, don't forget to ask her along. I told her that a sexual relationship other than a heterosexual one is not a good idea because if I have sex with the other girl, it might have an emotional impact on both of us. Although she does not enjoy having sex with me now, she does enjoy watching me ejaculate in front of her, she finds it sexy."

I doubt she is bisexual.

While you may be enjoying porn because of sexual stimulation. She may be watching porn to "learn" how to satisfy you.

In Singapore, there's really not a whole lot of "Sexuality Education" references around, and she jolly well feel embarrassed walking into a bookstore to buy one.

So the best way for a conservative woman to learn how to satisfy her man is through watching porn.

A lot of times, a woman say certain things or act certain to test your loyalty or faithfulness to her.

I know it's frustrating, but that's how a woman tends to behave.. we do have a lot of insecurities and we tend to constantly needs reassurance.

Her comments about girls with big boobs, is her insecurity talking.

She is well aware of her own "inadequacies". And is merely trying to cover it up by saying what she said.

While a small busted woman may say that she admires other women with big boob...she is essentially saying she is "envious". And will actually mind deep inside, if you start staring at another woman's bigger boobs and make the same comment.

Have you considered surgery to help her attain some fullness in her breast ?

She enjoys seeing you ejaculate because she is trying to compensate for the lack of "ability" she can provide you.

I'm very sure.. she must be feeling very incompetent because of her inability to "satisfy" you with her vagina.

So instead, she feels the need to see you satisfied through other means.

The meaning of living her life vicariously through your happiness is probably high on her list.

It's heart breaking... I assume.. for you to understand what she is going through .. to see you happy.

Anyway...

Even if you can fix all the physical aspect. The prolapse and boobs.

You still can't fix her psychological barrier with regards to her fear of another abortion.

There's no way a woman can enjoy sex with that kind of thoughts hanging over her head.

You cannot convince her out of it and something you don't want to take lightly. Because the more you try telling her it's not gonna happen, the more she's gonna resent sex. We know a lie when we hear one. So stop bluffing yourself, because you ain't fooling no one.

Since both of you are not willing to use birth control, I suppose you should just make do with having sex twice a month. Reducing the probability of another unwanted pregnancy. It's only really for 1-2 years...not a long time IMO.

troublemaker2005 SG

i don't think this one got problem. butjust for entertainment sake i post. how now. the problem is difficlut to have sex frequent issit unlike your ex-stwwardess girl frends

Hugh Hefner SG

I have been contemplating to post on this forum but I feel the need to rant a bit and hopefully get some useful advice for my situation. As the thread title says, I'm in a sexless marriage.

I will provide details of my relationship with my wife and some details of myself that will not compromise the privacy of my wife and myself.

To start off, I have known my wife for 5 years and we decided to tie the knot last year. My wife was a virgin when I dated her although she was with her ex-bf for 7 years (not that it matters to me). On the other hand, I have dated several girls before and been in a couple of sexual relationships. When I got to know my wife, she was still with her ex-bf but of course, their relationship was in a very bad shape. Her bf sort-of cheated on her by allowing himself to be seduced by a girl naked in her dormitory, but he did not have sex with her. To summarise, my wife felt the need to move on from this man and date someone else.

At the time where I first got to know my wife through a friend, I was not attracted to her. Also, I was dating a stewardess at that time so it has never cross my mind to consider dating her, until some events took place. I think it all started with my birthday party, stewardess was supposed to come but couldn't make it and my wife came to the party. After the party, a few of my friends and myself went to a park for drinks and I asked my wife along because I felt that she was feeling down at that time and I wanted to cheer her up. On my actual brithday, my wife asked me out for a movie and I agreed and of course, she wished me a happy birthday. From there on, I started to look at my wife in a different way, and we started dating each other. I like my wife for her intelligence, her common interest with me and similar views on many aspects of life. So stewardess girl was out of the picture and I eventually marry my wife at the age of 27.

Now on to the sexuality part.. My wife was a virgin, I was her first sexual partner but it was not easy. It took several tries before I was able to have intercourse with her as she was feeling great pains as I try to penetrate. At that point, I knew that my wife requires encouragement in-order to have sex as she feels more pain that pleasure out of it. In our first few years of relationship, the frequnecy of our sex is about 2 times a month which I feel is not a good frequency. Then, something happened.. she got pregnant. Both of us made a decisive decision to abort it during her first few weeks of pregnancy as both of us are not ready for a child at that time. (You can call me names if you want, perhaps I deserve it) That was the turning point of our sexual life, it turned for the worst. After abortion, we did not have sex for a year.. not even petting. Prior to getting married we did have sex once in 6 months although we could not complete the full intercourse as she was experiencing discomfort. During our trip to Japan, we did not have sex either. A few months before our marriage, I had a talk with her about our sexual relationship and asked her about the possible reasons of the pain. She said that it is probably because she was scared to get pregnant again. I tried to help her by introducing a vibrator, game and lubricant but to no avail. I also managed to persuade her to visit the gynae to check if there is anything wrong with her vagina, there wasn't. Anyway, I still love my wife despite her seemingly asexual behavior and decided to marry her thinking that perhpas after marriage things will get better for us.

Well, things did not get better. During the few days in our hotel after the wedding dinner, we did not have sex at all. Whenever I try to touch her intimately, she would be irritated and reject me. After a few attempts, I got fraustrated and laid in the bathtub for an hour refusing to talk to her. At that time, I almost felt like crying. It has been 6 months since we tied the knot and we only had sex once though it was not a full intercourse.On one occasion, feeling fraustrated after a rejection from her, I threaten her saying that she should be prepared to face the consequences. I ignored her after that and just focused on sleeping. A few weeks later, I brought up the issue of our sexual life again. I told her how I have been feeling and that I still feel disappointed about what happened on the wedding night. Feeling fraustrated, I told her that I have thrown in the towel and I have lost interest in having sex with her. She kept quiet and did not say much.

I think I'm a person with high libido, so I needed to have an avenue to meet my needs. My wife allows me to watch porn and masturbate, so I have been doing this in order to keep myself from feeling depressed. Recently, I found an article that might be related to her problem so I forward to my wife and she concurs with the conditions she is facing in that article. She is probably having this condition called Vaginismus. The only friend that I've told of my situation advised me to persuade my wife to see a sexologist which she agrees to. The relationship with my wife is seemingly good and we are going to Greece on our honeymoon next week. I'm currently fraustrated that she is so passive on our sexual problem and it seems to me that she do not compremend the seriousness of the situation.

I hope that someone can offer some valuable advice on how to improve my current situation and no, I'm not going to visit prostittues in Geylang or have an affair.

Thank you for your time reading this, I know it is kind of long winded.

Offer her a drink of water spiked with Vigra, an hour before sleep. I am sure she get horny. Don't be desperate for what you wish for...you may regret it. When she rock you off your bed.

TTFU SG

Fugazzi SG

Sex is not a must lah, love yes it must be there but reading the postings of TS, love is missing or something else is altogether parading as love or ... only you (TS) have the REAL answers to that equation.

Assuming if one's sex life should for some unforeseen reason or ... meet its demise - does it end the marriage or ...? One has to assume responsiblity for what one feels (never mind what the situation is) and not hide behind excuses.

It is the emotional stasis that has both mired in this predicament. Unless one is physically dysfunctional this so-called ''problem'' is not a problem at all but revealing what both of them are all about. Of course, rite/wrong is subjective and acceptance and reconciling may go a long way.

parn SG

I have been contemplating to post on this forum but I feel the need to rant a bit and hopefully get some useful advice for my situation. As the thread title says, I'm in a sexless marriage.

I will provide details of my relationship with my wife and some details of myself that will not compromise the privacy of my wife and myself.

I hope that someone can offer some valuable advice on how to improve my current situation and no, I'm not going to visit prostittues in Geylang or have an affair.

Thank you for your time reading this, I know it is kind of long winded.

First of all, DAMN YOU for aborting your own child!

Secondly, DAMN YOU for forcing your sexual desires upon your loved one (Wife/GF) like a prostitute!

Thirdly, DAMN YOU for threatening your wife just because she had refused to have sex with you!

Fourthly, DAMN YOU for convincing your wife that she has a sexual condition!

And HOW DARE YOU COME HERE AND TELL US THAT THE ENTIRE PROBLEM LIES WITH YOUR WIFE FROM THE BEGINNING!

I can offer no solution for you to FIX your wife, but I believe you need us to give you a solution to FIX YOURSELF.

Sex is not the MOST important factor in a relationship or marriage unless you are an animal who cannot overcome your own lust, then by all means go and RAPE your own wife so that you may be locked up and put away in a cage (prison) for as long as it is neccessary.

Consult a sexologist if you know that your high libido is affecting your marriage!

Do ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOUR WIFE IS ALSO SOMEONE ELSE'S DAUGHTER, and TREAT HER WITH YOUR UTMOST RESPECT, LOVE AND CARE!

You do not have any rights to force or threaten her in any way even though you are her husband! It's just her bad luck to have married someone selfish like you, who have no capacity or whatsoever to look from her perspective.

What do you think she need? Your COCK? or Your ROMANCE (Not SEX!!)?

If you really want her to have SEX with you, then make her feel like she want to have SEX with you!

It is possible that you are not good enough to romance her and make her want to have SEX with you.

You are a MAN right? You have a COCK and I also hope you still have your BRAIN to think about what you need to do, in order for you to make your WOMAN want your COCK!

Lastly, I will advise you to FOCUS everything you have ON YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS. You will definitely FAIL again if you tried to focus on your own needs again.

jojobeach SG

lol.. Parnie girl.. relax ya.. don get so worked up lah.

I think men like TS really should just get a vasectomy.

Self -centered men shouldn't have kids. Because it's a lot of sacrifice and selflessness needed raising kids together as a family.

He is better off just dying without offsprings.

BadzMaro SG

Vaginismus.. lol

Sounds more like a case of some mental scar so deep and appaling during her first sexual encounter with TS that she fears and get all withdrawned to feel this way.

Maybe someone just aint got the skillz... to pay the billz...

kekeke

Rock^Star SG