Grey Meow ,
It is palpable and very apparent that u seem to kind of relish
the self-flagellation - it gives u meaning to your existence,
otherwise u would have summoned courage to ...
U may leave her ,or have a child and still leave - it makes no
difference, a dysfuntional adult - a dsyfucntional relationship, a
dysfunctional child. Seeing is an art , sight - a mere faculty, so
is the same for listening or hearing?
The other thing is that there is a crowd in u, not u lar, inner
voice is utter crap, whose voice - parental, societal, religious,
political - unless u kill these 4 voices - in other words, the
conditioning - it is going to be the same melodram and psychodrama.
Inner voice - means urs and urs alone, even excluding me.
Get that voice first, in other words, unlearn, let go and ... n
wheter u save your marrriage, or leave your marriage - its up to u,
its not rite/wrong - what frees u?
Short of apportioning blame on ur spouse - has it ever crossed
ur mind - she wants u to initiate sth - even divorce - so its ur
responsibility, its could be a war of attrition, and even if its
not like i have .... she is equally responsible, she is selfish -
how ? - she is a burden on herself - a burden on u, emotional
burden is sickness.
To stay in a marriage, relationship cos one wants to not lose
face, or lose materially, or fear the loss of one' sense of
identity or meaning of life .... is a betrayal of oneself.
Love deos not compromise, needs and fears masquerading as love
always compromise
self-flagellation...okay, make sense.
relish in it? that's a horrible thought.
give me a meaning of existence? maybe.
i've been asked by psychologists before...that since i already
know what i wanted, why am i still dragging my feet and not having
the courage....i couldn't ans the qns. i usu. end up with a bad
headache at this stage and had to end the session
i still can't ans to the qns now...couldn't break thru this
barrier. everytime this qns pop-up, my brain shut-down and i
couldn't think at all...then the headache will come strong, painful
and hard.
there were some external factors that diverted me from divorce a
few times.
1. on the 3rd-4th yrs of our marriage, we were on the verge of
breaking up the marriage. then her uncle's wife suddenly divorced
him (after 19 yrs of marriage and 2 children) and her family was
very chaotic over it. also my sis marriage life was on the rock.
her husband had called the police several times and get protection
for her children b'cos he said she was abusing them.
2. on the 5th yrs, one of her relative committed suicide due to
a failed relationship. also, her sis had a bad depression after her
bf of 5 yrs (they were almost to get marry) broke up with her that
same yr.
3 on the 6th yrs, my father had stroke and the situation had my
full attention
anyway, these were external factors that kinda complicated my
situation. i know my decision, i just need to be able to get her to
accept it too
