Problems with Parents

last SG · 2008-10-15T00:05:34+00:00

No no, I am not telling him what to do...it is his decision to stay in this path and try it out for the next one year. The few times he said he wants to quit...

rainee SG

Just want to add, yes it is possible, parents do not always want the best for their kids/kind to them.

It took me two years after i got married to be able to afford my own house. I didn’t really hold any banquet, just that my hubby and I were only 24-25 when we got married. thereason? so we can stay together without my mum losing face. At that time, i’d worked for a yr plus and he 9 months only.

then staying with my parents, my mum made me give $700 every month. she would threaten to throw out my things everytime we have arguments. and she loves to say bad things abt my hubby that are not true. she never thought, oh, i want my kids to be able to afford a house so I ask for less money. that’s why it took us so long to be able to afford a flat too.

So what's the outcome, if you dun mind me asking? Did you manage to shut her up after a while? If yes, what method did you use?

rainee SG

i foresee more problems if they stay with you.

Yes, that's the reason why I am very adamant about not letting them stay...but to be fair I can't stay with my in-laws too...

Yunhaier SG

It probably culturally constructed for parents to love their children, as well as for children to be filial. But in reality, it can creates a cognitive dissonance, especially if reality seemed to suggest otherwise.

Abuse comes in many form and the act of abuse often sow the seed to reproduce a latent effect in the future. In Rainee's case, the absence of kinship created a situation where she don't feel very much for her parents as these are but the manifestation of the cause sow by her parents during her growing years.

But since we are bounded by culture - there is still an unseen obligation Rainee to care for her parents. Surely, if this element was missing, I wouldn't be no surprise if she opt to cut ties. But of course in reality, there is only so much of freewill one can choose to have - because many choices are fettered by societal context and culture. Especially in Asia.

There are definitely no easy solutions, but I would like to point out something: your parents didn't seemed to change their attitude or stance towards you since young. They seemed to practice some sort of guilt-induction, so as to bend you according to their expectation. Most parents does that sort of thing in varying intensity, but those that exploit the relationship will often create domestic tragedy, like those you find in newspaper articles.

For this: I say listen to yourself. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. Acting upon a decision recklessly, while knowing that it's not wise, is foolish.

Cheers

FirePig SG

Just because you get a scholarship doesnt mean your parents contribute 0% to your career. If they have been more lenient on you, maybe your grades would be worst off and you wont even get the scholarship in the first place.

rainee SG

Even if they do contribute to it, does that give them the right to treat me shabbily and use me in any way they want? I am not an object that is bought just to be used...

There are better ways to motivate a child to get better grades than to resort to beating and abuse. If what you say is true, all the people who are getting good grades must have been abused before. I have known many of them but I do not see that this is true.

jojobeach SG

Even if they do contribute to it, does that give them the right to treat me shabbily and use me in any way they want? I am not an object that is bought just to be used...

Rainee.... relax.

If your parents wants to create a scene at your workplace.. let them come.

If they want to put you on a guilt trip to get their ways.. let them.

But hold your ground.. because in your heart... you know who you are.

You don't need their approval to live the life you want...

Be at peace with yourself... be confident of your decision.

As long as you are doing your part.. you have nothing to be ashamed of.

There's really no need for you to go above and beyond what you are capable of.

When the storm comes.. brace yourself.. when it's finally over.. the rainbow will come.

But hor.. JB is really not that far away from Singapore lah.

Why can't you just arrange the ceremony in JB and have the Singapore relatives go over instead ?

All you need to do is arrange for hotel rooms for the convenience of your Singapore attendees...

And I'm sure the cost is much lower than in Singapore.

2 family arrangement will seem much bigger than one. The whole occasion will look more grand.

I used to go over to JB to attend my friend's wedding quite often before.. So.. I don't see why you couldn't do it either.

jojobeach SG

peeps,

No intention in this world can justify an adult hitting a defenseless child.

Not only do you inflict physical pain.. you are also causing psychological damage to the growing child.

You may think that if her parents didn't hit her.. she would be worst off.. now that's an assumption.. no basis .. no proof.

Because I can also argue that.. if her parents didn't hit her.. she coulda be a Harvard graduate by now. and earning big bucks instead of scrimping through in Singapore.

Parents who hit their child into submission are just cowards who don't try to understand their children.

I hope none of you forumers will ever do such a thing in the future.

rainee SG

Rainee.... relax.

If your parents wants to create a scene at your workplace.. let them come.

If they want to put you on a guilt trip to get their ways.. let them.

But hold your ground.. because in your heart... you know who you are.

You don't need their approval to live the life you want...

Be at peace with yourself... be confident of your decision.

As long as you are doing your part.. you have nothing to be ashamed of.

There's really no need for you to go above and beyond what you are capable of.

When the storm comes.. brace yourself.. when it's finally over.. the rainbow will come.

But hor.. JB is really not that far away from Singapore lah.

Why can't you just arrange the ceremony in JB and have the Singapore relatives go over instead ?

All you need to do is arrange for hotel rooms for the convenience of your Singapore attendees...

And I'm sure the cost is much lower than in Singapore.

2 family arrangement will seem much bigger than one. The whole occasion will look more grand.

I used to go over to JB to attend my friend's wedding quite often before.. So.. I don't see why you couldn't do it either.

My in laws prefer to do it in Singapore. And quite a lot of our friends are also here in Singapore. If we do it in JB, it would be inconvenient for them plus the cost of booking hotel rooms for all of them would be too much for us to bear. Cannot just let them stay in some kinda cheapo and unsafe hotel also...

Yea, I will hold my ground and carry on with my original plan...take things one step at a time...

rainee SG

peeps,

No intention in this world can justify an adult hitting a defenseless child.

Not only do you inflict physical pain.. you are also causing psychological damage to the growing child.

You may think that if her parents didn't hit her.. she would be worst off.. now that's an assumption.. no basis .. no proof.

Because I can also argue that.. if her parents didn't hit her.. she coulda be a Harvard graduate by now. and earning big bucks instead of scrimping through in Singapore.

Parents who hit their child into submission are just cowards who don't try to understand their children.

I hope none of you forumers will ever do such a thing in the future.

x2...

Even if I want my children to succeed next time, I will never ever resort to what my parents have done to me...

Maybe you all think I should be big-hearted enough to forget everything and forgive...but I have tried to do that to no avail. So please do try to understand your child now or in the future, instead of beating or abusing them when things don't go according to your plan. It can leave a very deep mark which can be very hard to be erased once it is there...

deathwish SG

Haven't read the front part but when my fren and his m'sian wife got married they held 2 weddings 1 in SG and another in her hometown.

seotiblizzard SG

Yea, I will hold my ground and carry on with my original plan...take things one step at a time...

I think thts the best way for u at this pt in time.

Good luck.

All the best.

seotiblizzard SG

peeps,

No intention in this world can justify an adult hitting a defenseless child.

Not only do you inflict physical pain.. you are also causing psychological damage to the growing child.

You may think that if her parents didn't hit her.. she would be worst off.. now that's an assumption.. no basis .. no proof.

Because I can also argue that.. if her parents didn't hit her.. she coulda be a Harvard graduate by now. and earning big bucks instead of scrimping through in Singapore.

Parents who hit their child into submission are just cowards who don't try to understand their children.

I hope none of you forumers will ever do such a thing in the future.

I dont knw abt u.

But it was the fear of the rod tht made me work so hard to do well in school. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Fear brings abt work done.

rainee SG

Haven't read the front part but when my fren and his m'sian wife got married they held 2 weddings 1 in SG and another in her hometown.

That's what I am supposed to do...though the one in my hometown should be a smaller scale one, maybe just a few tables...

rainee SG

I dont knw abt u.

But it was the fear of the rod tht made me work so hard to do well in school. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Fear brings abt work done.

But not to the extent of caning without reasoning rite? Until it leaves bruises all over your body?

I seriously hope nobody would need to face what I have been through...I have seen so many of friends who succeed yet they manage to go through a happy childhood. The parents just motivate and encourage them along with supportive words, definitely not by violent methods.

seotiblizzard SG

But not to the extent of caning without reasoning rite? Until it leaves bruises all over your body?

Ok. Caning w/o reasoning is another thing altogether.

Some people eat hard, some people eat soft.

So have to trial and error.

xiiaostarry SG

-deleted- dbl post

xiiaostarry SG

Thanks for the well wishes =)

Yes, I do not wish to rush and compromise on everything until it turns up in a way I do not want it to be. I want to take my time to organise something which will make me and my guests happy, so definitely need more money + more saving time.

Actually I dunno what they are so worried about, I am not even asking them to contribute to the banquet fund. Ever since I turned 18 I have not asked them for a single cent, everything inc. my food, etc I have paid on my own.

Their only worries is just : face

Cuz most elderies have this thinking that a couple is not officially married as long as they never go through traditional customary procedures..Hence, they might feel like you will be living with your hubby 没名没份..

rainee..stick to whatever decisions that you deemed as right =) Is your wedding mah..it should be a happy occasion for you..better than choosing options that dampens your mood...

Is really "chor" to host a wedding though..they should emphatized with your financial status also mah...wedding banquet, honeymoon, gowns, photoshoot & those "wu eh bo eh" stuff for the traditional customary procedures..house..renovation.. =.='''

JYJY in persuading them ^^

rainee SG

Yup, cant please everyone so will just do whatever that is best for the situation now.

RedizAlertz SG

Cheer up, rainee! U r not alone, u still hav Rin as ur hubby to walk by ur side from now on.

When the power of 2 unite, the strength is unstoppable.

parn SG

Yes yes..JYJY.....since you're too proud to accept better advices and back to square one now.

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