I currently have a girlfriend who is older than I am. Being
that as it may, I have no issues with our difference in age.
However, she fails to trust me.
I have a friend, a girl, A, from church. I grew up with her, and
I admit in the past we used to like each other when we were young
and adolescent. But not for very long. Now she has her own
boyfriend, and I have my girlfriend. However, my girlfriend doesn't
quite like A. Since I told her about A and I liking each other in
the past, her mood changed drastically, and A has been an issue of
unpleasant discussion over the past few months.
My girlfriend observes A, and notices that she attempts to grab
my attention. For example, when A talks, she glances at me quite
frequently and today, for some reason, A entered the room where my
girlfriend, I and another church member was seated. And she kept
entering, re-entering, re-entering again and finally stayed put in
the room. Each time she entered she made some sort of a din.
According to my girlfriend. Although I failed to pay much
attention.
A has been the constant subject of annoyance and displeasure for
my girlfriend, and to my girlfriend it seems like A is always
trying to get my attention. Not helping is the fact that almost
everyone seemed to think for a time that A and I were perfect for
each other. I told my girlfriend that the more people tell me to do
something, the more I won't do it, and hence she refused to believe
that I'm with her because I sincerely love her, but only to prove a
point to everyone else that I'm defying their laws.
Recently, my girlfriend has made an effort to befriend A. In the
past, when my girlfriend said hi, A would just ignore her and walk
along, and my girlfriend attributed it to A perhaps not noticing
her gesture.
I have explained many times to my girlfriend that I do love her,
but she still can't seem to trust me.
She also mentioned to me a few times that I tend to look at
other girls very frequently, sometimes to the extent of
compromising my attention on her when she is in the midst of
talking. She says my eyes would dart around, but I only look to
observe, not to check out. But she doesn't quite take it that way.
One occasion, she said that I stared at a girl to the point where I
no longer hear what she's saying. I do enjoy observing people
because I just have opinions to make, and I never meant to give her
the wrong idea.
I am actually very exasperated and I made the mistake of telling
her in the past, that if she couldn't accept A as a part of my
life, I would find it hard to love her. It was a mistake and my
girlfriend still hurts from it, and hence till today my girlfriend
feels "disposable". I also admit, I told her that my ex
girlfriend was my "bragging right". Because back then she was the
hottest girl in school and I got to go out with her. My girlfriend
gave me the option to speak freely so maybe she couldn't handle
it.
Just now, I talked to her. We had a long discussion, and I was
upset about her still clinging on to the A issue. To my girlfriend,
A was clearly out to get my attention, but frankly I really didn't
notice. I asked her why does she think A is better than her, and
she replied "personality, figure, looks". Then, my girlfriend said
that she regretted placing me in a box all this while, and she
realized the pressure she placed on me regarding A and my brother's
girlfriend. She told me that I could have my old life back.
Rekindle my friendship with A, because I stopped talking to A a
while ago in order to please my girlfriend.My girlfriend is
insecure,but have I contributed to make her feel that way?
Also, my brother has a girlfriend who tried to flirt with me
when we went on a family vacation. She kept looking at me, and it
did make me feel akward. My girlfriend was quite upset and we did
argue about this. From then, she failed to trust that girl, and
whenever she came over, my girlfriend would be very uncomfortable.
My brother's girlfriend is young, so perhaps we can attribute it to
adolescence. She mentioned to my girlfriend that she wished my
brother was as mature as I was. My girlfriend took that as some
sort of signal that she was interested in me. I wonder how that
works?
Also, honestly, whenever we meet up, she is mostly the one
who comes over, and after work, she would walk to my office because
she knocks off earlier than I do and waits for me so we could go
home together to my place. In fact, she does offer most of the time
to meet and travel over, and she feels bad when I have to travel to
meet her. She refuses to let me pay for anything too. I need to
know what to do. My girlfriend doesn't feel special I think, but
why?
k dude.. this may not be helpful, but it's my advice and opinion
for u.. ah yun will have better advice..
firstly at u've said, she's older than u.. i don't know how much
of a factor that is, but I'm sure that for her, her insecurity
fears will be a tad higher than higher than a r/s where the guy is
older..
and there's the factor of A.. my assumption is that A is of the
same age or younger than you.. as your girlfriend has pointed out,
A MAY be trying to get your attention.. but u must know for urself,
what kind of attention? as a friend? or does A still want more,
despite both u and A have ur own better halves?
if it's the former, u have to tell ur girlfriend, be
transparent, tell her that A is your friend.. communicate with her
that it is impossible for u and A to have anything special, because
afterall, YOU have chosen ur girlfriend over A.. and she has her
own boyfriend.. it's no point shrugging off the matter, because ur
girlfriend will always be on her guard against A, and this will
kill off a normal friendship.. for me, on my best female friend's
birthday, i went to her house to wait for her and pass her a gift,
and i let my girlfriend know abt it.. just that i better do
something better for my girlfriend on her birthday haha..
but if it's the latter, and A does still want something more(and
u are confident of that) then i think u should talk to her
instead.. be clear that u and her are childhood friends, good
friends, best friends, but nothing more.. and tell ur girlfriend u
have this conversation with A, and that u are drawing the line
clearly, between friends and girlfriend..
another issue will be the fact that u previously told her that
if she cant accept A, then u cant accept her.. that is a very bad
mistake.. because u have unknowingly placed another girl over her
in terms of priority.. then ask urself, who are u going to save
when both drowning in the sea? no girl wants to be 2nd to her
boyfriend, look at those numerousmother-in-law vs wife issues!
but now that the damage is done, u have to give her again,
assurance, that she is important.. and you urself have to know,
that she is ur impt one, not A.. ur chance with A is over, no
more.. she is a friend, a best friend no doubt, but still a
friend.. nothing more..
next issue which i want to raise, and knock some sense into u,
is the abt the hottest ex-girlfriend thingy.. why still mention
such stuff? are u trying to achieve a breakup? ur life moves
forward, with ur current girlfriend being the centre of ur
activities and daily life, of coz there's family, but surely u
don't revolve ur life around ur ex-girlfriend now do you? stop
doing that, period.
also, regarding the beo charboh thing, well it's something i've
learnt the, erm, hard way too.. i cant give much of an advice here,
but i learnt to not look, slowly and slowly don't look lo.. i tell
myself.. so many pretty girls in the world, want to see all of
them, won't i be very busy, den i stopped looking altogether..
regarding the brother's girlfriend, there's one very simple
thing to do, ignore her.. and acknowledge ur girlfriend's fear that
indeed, maybe the bro's girlfriend is attracted to u, but u aren't
to her.. i'm quite sure u are not going to have alot of encounters
with the bro's gf, so just try to ignore her or patronise her qns,
soon she will get the hint and drop the idea of a threesome with
both brothers..
ah, the meeting up after work, who's gonna pay and making her
feel special part.. that's rather simple.. PROVIDED u are willing
to go the extra mile, if not, it is going to stay as it is.. are
you willing to wake early to make her breakfast and deliver it to
her in the morning? do some simple, yet heartwarming stuff.. knit
her something, make her a card, remember small things, buy stuff
for her mother, these things make her feel special.. valentine's
day, take the day off, wait for her with a bouquet when she knocks
off.. all the things u take for granted, it's time to do something
out of ur routine.. and surprise her with it.. and as i said, are u
willing to go the extra mile?
lastly, regarding ur dad's hospitalisation issues, respect her
decision.. she's afraid she will be reminded about it, so let her
don't come.. and as the middleman, u have to relay such a message
to ur parents, that she was deeply traumatised when she was young..
how about visiting ur dad when he's discharged? will that be good
too? get some of his favourite food or fruits and visit him when
he's home, that will be decent too..
i think the issue here is basically assurance, trust,
communication and compromise.. you have alot to do, starting with
yourself..
cheers!