Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet,
grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at
some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether
it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages
of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the
other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be
complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through
the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes
through the stages at the same time. It is different for each
person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to
go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two
steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual
to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed
for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former
spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for
the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No
crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even
with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming
them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss.
Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or
attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss.
Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration,
bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the
hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control,
feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and
acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it
quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage.
Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their
fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide,
often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind)
Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding
comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay
with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot
believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after
loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't
stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our
feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love
and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have
experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring
good out of something tragic.
